I’m in Lisbon now. The compressed feeling I usually get while in the city is there but significantly less than it was before MNRI and before meditating (I would use “BM” in place as a marker of time, but it would just make something else come to people’s minds). The feeling is like the slow-motion wrapping of an airbag around an automobile crash-test dummy. It is safe, but there the pressure surrounds you.

I’m sitting looking out of the bedroom window of this small and pretty apartment. It is located on a tiny cobbled street, just blocks from the bustle of the main area of the neighborhood below. My mother caught me leaning half out of the window. It felt logical to me to lean out to look for the conversation I was hearing, as well as “whoop” out of the window looking for an echo. It works in nature, it doesn’t in cities. I then had a moment where past programming from movies entered my mind and inspired a smile. How fun it would be to play silent games with a neighbor, only able to see each other in our illuminated courtyard-facing windows.

I can see a woman above cleaning her windows and a room to the left filled with UV light. Everyone is so close, but everyone is so separate. It fascinates me how I can be here having this experience and somewhere in India, someone is doing something completely different. My mind doesn’t need to wander across the world to witness the phenomena. The same thing is happening right here out of this window. Thirty meters away, there is an expression of I AM who knows an entirely different life than me. And another, and another and another, and on to billions (they are technically outside of this window).

In these moments, I feel much less separate. I assume I do anyway, because I wouldn’t feel like a kid touching the electricity orb at Liberty Science Center at the thought mentioned above if I didn’t. You can see source at work in this way.

When I was a child, with my Catholic upbringing (BM…had to), I imagined that God watched my life like it was a movie. I, and everyone else, was entertainment in my imagined scenario. Twenty-eight years later, it turns out that I wasn’t that off. At the time, I only imagined a single-slotted VCR (the technology of 1994) under God’s TV, however. The reality is that there are billions of video tapes being played simultaneously. The human body is so limiting. I can process a lot of information, but imagine processing the sensory information from every human on earth at once? The source of our consciousness must be so powerful to be able to be and understand billions of lives. I’m still trying to process it, but I really don’t need to, my soul understands.

Something interesting happened today. My parents and I left Cascais for Lisbon and any tension that was present between us dissipated. Everyone returned to the way they typically would be. What I mean is that, the vibe went from competitive/at odds to neutral/cooperative. I’m always watching myself and my patterns, but I also make time to make a study of the patterns of others (there is that I AM multi-processing in action). What I noticed is that the reactionary patterns stopped overshadowing their personalities.

Reactionary patterns are our default when we are unconscious. Unconscious in this case means allowing our subconscious to run the show because we are lacking self-awareness or are presented with something threatening. In either case, a set of reactions that have consistently been practiced are easier to use than taking a pause to select a new one. The “new country” and “new environment” (my cousin’s home and staying with the family) must have been just enough to push everyone into a set of old patterns and into reaction, rather than calm action. Once the “new” was removed, everyone returned to relaxed action.

Amazing! Like a light switch. I’ve seen it happen millions of times, but more so on an individual scale. This was a coordinated dance that started and ended exactly when the stimulus was introduced and removed.

I enjoyed having everyone return to a state of action today, including myself. It has been easier to see and appreciate everyone for who they are exactly in this moment. I realized how different my Dad has been lately. Today he asked with genuine interest about my upcoming journey. I felt a huge appreciation for how in this instance, he has been open to me living my life differently than how he had it planned out in his head. I wanted to tell him…but I didn’t. I watched myself sit on top of the wave of genuine emotion and then let it pass under me without standing up on my board. What had stopped me?

Long before preparation for this trip, I understood that making peace within myself would involve some work with my parents. I could see the potential for timelines to shift in this moment today with my Dad and I let it pass by. I let my fear win. Fear of being vulnerable and perhaps of rejection? I know logically it would have only gone positively, but I let an old pattern sneak in.

I don’t feel that the moment is lost. If my fear got me today, I’ve at least learned something new so I can act instead of react tomorrow. I do feel a bit sad to have missed a moment to create a greater connection with my Dad, but I know that another wave will come along and when it does, I’ll stand up.

The windows across the yards have gone dark. The city is more peaceful. I AM is experiencing a walk across the cobblestones, a motorbike ride, some late night batatas fritas. And in this apartment, the pressure of the city feels much less. Enough of I AM must be asleep.