6AM: A lot of shuffling going on outside the cracked door.
This is the way I’ve been woken up every time my family has shared close quarters. I waited what felt like twenty minutes then emerged. It was actually fourty-two.
6:45AM: “Should I bring the luggage down?”
Dad, always early and anxious to “get it going.” I wash my eyes, scrape my tongue and turn from the sink. Mom is standing there. Hugs, words and hands me a light pink rosary.
“You left the other one at home. Someone may need it.”
6:58AM: The descent down the five flights of narrow stairs begins.
I turn the first curve of the railing and the familiar pressure builds in my throat. Energetically sensitive people usually cough and look like they are choking after a few seconds with my throat chakra in proximity to their energy field.
Relax, lean back, let it move. I push open a white column in the space where my throat is.
6:59AM: “Come home and stop with this nonsense.”
I descend through the trail of a pitch from my Dad to come home now and one more to come home in 3 months.
He peeks back through the door. A smile. A joke. Most likely an occurrence of “joking, not joking”.” Joking about the nonsense, not joking about the request.
7:00AM: No pressure, warmth, expansion…things are moving. Fluid in my eyes!
Hug Mom, hug Dad, bags loaded, I watch them move towards the car.
7:01AM: I stand in the tiny doorway. I begin to cry.
It is a tradition in our family to stand in the doorway and watch each other (it has expanded to include anyone leaving) drive away until the car is completely out of sight. I felt very heavy and sad as I watched them go, but so proud that I was freely, but gently crying, especially in front of my parents.
“Crying is weakness” is a genetic code in my family, pre-dating my parents. We aren’t told it, we know that that is “how it is.”
I had known I had been emotionally turned off for a long time. When I was small, I was heavily emotional and sensitive. I stopped being so, as I decided it wasn’t helping me. Eventually, after allowing myself to be beaten down and taken advantage of by “friends” and others I encountered, in an effort of self-preservation, my subconscious turned my emotions off 90% of the way.
I went on for years wondering what had happened to them, but not knowing how to bring them back. MNRI led to Joe Dispenza, Michael Singer, Eckert Tolle, Abraham Hicks and more. I started practicing what I read, all day, every day.
One and a half years later, I consider it an accomplishment worth celebrating to open my throat and let the energy of sadness mixed with fear come all the way through to manifest as tears that break a long family tradition.
8:00AM: Sitting next to my Dad’s “spot” on the couch where the pillow is still compressed from his body in his evening nest. I write. My throat builds up. I let it go.
I love my parents very much. In this moment they are likely strolling through the global entry line, 3 hours early for their flight. In 3 hours, they will be out of the country and I will be on my way to Porto. There is so much comfort in knowing they are still on the ground, 25 minutes away from me.
I’ll pretend they are there for the rest of the day, just because I can, and when veil of comfort lifts, I’ll allow the energy to move right through five, from 1 to eight, no matter where I am.
Being sad feels good. Being sad feels free.
Resources for re-learning how to feel a full spectrum of emotions:
https://masgutovamethod.com/the-method/the-mnri-method-approach-programs
https://www.amazon.com/Living-from-Place-of-Surrender-audiobook/dp/B07XJYYSR3
@abrahamhickswisdom on YouTube
Breadcrumbs. 