I’ve always had a difficult time navigating public transportation. It isn’t because I’m afraid of the experience as a whole, I’m afraid of myself in the setting. I’ve sabotaged myself many times accidentally, my undiagnosed dyslexia at play, by reading schedules incorrectly. At this point, I’m learning to trust myself again after years of missed appointments and lost campsite fees.

I had it down today, I thought, until I arrived at the train station this morning. I somehow forgot that I would need to know the track number the train would be on. I tried to read the schedule and I couldn’t find my time of departure listed. I still had 15 minutes but felt some pressure, so I asked a man in uniform…in English…

He advised me that the train was cancelled due to a strike so I should take the 11:30 and that my ticket would still be good.

1. I never got a notification from the train line and I had gotten others

2. There were lots of other trains on the tracks loading and unloading passengers

It didn’t seem right so I walked around. I finally saw the board where the trains are listed and as I stood on track 3 looking up, my train pulled away from track 2.

The fear of all of the mistakes I had made in the past had dragged me just far enough out of the safety of logic to make this mistake. The important here though, is not the mistake itself, but the reaction I had to the mistake.

I’ve trained myself to see with clarity every thought, action and choice I’m making. I know over the past few days I’ve lost some ground, so my reaction didn’t surprise me. In fact, as I repeated “you dummy” to myself out loud, inside I was laughing at myself. I felt the usual rise of stress within me, backed up (my consciousness from my mind’s chatter) and let it run its course. This feeling of stupidity and longing for my past self to have made a different choice lasted about 2 minutes.

Sat on the bench as it subsided staring at the tracks. I knew another train was coming at 11:30. My mom had texted me, of course, in the middle of the episode and I looked down at the text I had composed in response. It was an explanation of details that didn’t matter, followed by some evasion of responsibility by mentioning the man who had given me advice.

I’ve learned to never take any action in the physical or energetic world while in a tailspin. The most important thing to do is wait, get clear, and then consciously choose what I want. When the unconscious “I” has chosen to take action based on an emotion of fear, anger, frustration, lack, etc. in the past, conscious “I” always had to deal with the consequences. People were hurt, I was hurt, and there was usually more of a mess than when I started.

Conscious “I” sat on the bench, relieved of the tantrum the mind produced, and wrote a completely different text. This text claimed full responsibility for the mistake, from not addressing the man in his native tongue in his own country, to not trusting myself to read a board. This text inspired compassion and light joking from my mother instead of what I imagine would have been concern and some fear.

There is so much power in being present with yourself. I can say that I have the most reliable spiritual teacher, because mine is every day experiences just like this one. Next time that I have to take a train, I know I’ll relax, lean back, and take a look at what is in front of me instead of getting caught up in sympathetic blindness.

Update: I missed a second train today and my insides felt much better about it.