I am alone.

The weight of it settled over me, wrapping tightly around and folding me in on myself as I walked away from my walking partner of almost two weeks. I’ve travelled alone many times. I’ve fantasized about a trip like this and how free I would feel, but in that moment, the cocoon of fear laid against my skin waiting for a cue to tighten in or to release.

I hovered in this place for the entire day. Moments of tears and back to strength. Reading a book and knowing something is true is not nearly the same as being what is true. I know that I am never alone. I have I AM, myself, everyone; they are the same. I have the birds, grass, trees, mountains. I even had people who gave me rides yesterday; but nothing was filling the gap that was gently pulled open with each step towards the baggage carousel earlier in the day.

I saw her everywhere. Wind surfers, a shooting competition, a black and white flowered skirt, golden brown hair in the wind. More evidence that I am not alone. I can feel her frequency when I am calm. We spoke several times. But isn’t there someone who is supposed to be walking beside me?

The universe blessed me with the most gentle and simultaneously tumultuous entry into this experience. It showed me how much progress I’ve made and how how seated in myself I am. If I lose myself, I come back quickly. I AM also showed me how to experience love, how to be in alignment, how to allow things to be without needing to control them or have them as I want; the list goes on. I AM also gave me such beautiful gifts that I will keep with me, but right now, the gift is manifesting as pain, loneliness and sadness. Today, there is a light sense of lack in the air. I know not to go there and to give it my time. The lack feels like space more than lack, however. Something belongs here that isn’t.

So, the heat of the day is rising here in Caudiès-de-Fenouillèdes as I pack up my tent, and I am choosing to sit in this feeling. It is mine and I want to love it.

What you ask for doesn’t usually come as you expect it. I asked for freedom, I asked for love, I asked for anything I need to accomplish my mission, I asked to learn to trust and I asked to shed the limitations of my old self. I received all of these things to varying degrees. I lived what felt like 2 years in two weeks. Before this trip, I committed to experiencing whatever I needed to in order to become I AM. So, as all of these challenges arise, I still have an underlying sense of peace because I know they are here for me to succeed, not obstacles so I fail.

Right now, I feel alone, yes. I miss my teacher, friend, love and walking partner. I am afraid of where I am now, but not where I will go. (It is funny to admit that I am afraid of the now but not the future) I am so grateful though, because I had the experience.

At one point, she told me that when eyes turn green, it can show happiness and occur when you’re being your true self. There were many hard moments last week. At one point, we thought it was time to let go. I remembered what I had heard in an audio book in that moment: if you love someone and they need to leave, help them pack and smile. Appreciate the time you had. You still love them, after all, and their leaving isn’t about you. I found the frequency within me of gratitude for the time we had had together, and expressed it genuinely to her. As I went to get in the shower, I saw that my eyes had turned green.

So this isn’t about clinging to someone or something because it is comfortable, it is about loving every moment with all of my being, even when it is hard, and even when it isn’t what I want to happen. That’s how we find alignment with ourselves.