There are a lot of moments out here that I feel like I am missing the mark. My intuition gets quiet, signs become more subtle, my desires overrule both and I end up feeling a bit lost. Despite this overhanging perception, the reality is that I’m doing exactly what I am meant to, and I have plenty of evidence. I think often, the definition and manifestation of what “right” looks like changes so quickly, that I’m left with the feeling I described above.

Just a few days ago, as I entered the mountains, I remember looking around and appreciating what was around me. In a particular moment, I made a firm decision to take the advice that I had been given repeatedly in the few days prior…and months. I decided to accept life. Not living, not what my life was, but to accept that I am a human in this body, right now. I spent so much time out of my body up until recently, that it has felt like going backwards to even attempt to be in it.

Maybe the old saying, “the grass is always greener” describes how I felt before. I was a human, with memories of being something greater. My focus was on the greener, instead of finding the greener in the present.

So, as I made the decision, I think the frequency of the decision was powerful enough to make a shift. Over the next few days, I practiced grounding myself. I pushed energy through my feet as I hiked miles with my pack, I rooted my bottom to the chair during dinner and I pulled myself back behind my eyes over and over again, so I could look clearly out at who was talking to me, even when I was tired.

Then, the unexpected happened: everything was completely normal.

By normal, I mean that life had lost the magic and synchronicities. I felt my intuition fading. I had been getting obvious direction from the universe and now it was dulled almost into non-existence.

I’ve done something like this before. By this, I mean attempted to train a reflexive response to be in homeostasis, but over-trained it to the point where it was completely hypoactive. In the scenario I’m thinking of I trained my fear paralysis/startle response to be so low, that I almost drove into the back of an 18-wheeler without noticing (I saw it, I just didn’t register that it was a threat). So, now, I can see what is likely happening. Sometimes, when you make improvements, you have to dig down a few layers, then build back up. With reflexes, you improve, have a dip, then jump up a few levels from where you were.

Maybe I had to become grounded in my body and accept I am a human (right now) (or a spirit having a human experience, at least) first, level down in abilities to integrate that, and then will jump up to a higher level than I was at before. From all I know, this is the most logical explanation. I hope it’s true. I miss the excitement of sensing the world around me in a…different…way.

I did a healing for a friend today and it took us both to a place I had been in a “dream” when I was very young. I had forgotten about the place. It was the bed of a river, deep in a canyon. The river was dried up and we were standing in the bottom near a curve. Something wasn’t right there. We were stranded somehow. By the end of the healing, the place felt safe and inviting. Greenery was everywhere and the unscalable walls around us had become sloping and climbable. My friend could feel my work, which was evidence that I haven’t lost any ground.

I received some concrete evidence today of my progress after a visit with a practitioner I see. She uses something called an AO scanner. The scanner works by sensing frequencies in the body and translates them into readable pathologies. It can detect minor nerve issues, chromosomes, parasites, hormone imbalances, and emotional traumas. I had a scan done before I left, and there were a lot of things off on the scan, from my internal organs to specific blood vessels. I also still had acne and felt somewhat unwell.

Within two weeks of arriving in Europe, my acne had gone. My diet is not better than before, believe me. Maybe it was all of the walking I was doing that was finally detoxifying my body, but I have a feeling it has to do with something else. Today, the scanner picked up everything I had been thinking. It picked up the frequency for mind-body connection and even my second chakra alignment, which I had been working on in the days prior. It also picked up guilt and some other emotions that have felt relevant lately. The allergen list it came up with was minimal. The parasites list was down to one, and in fact, every category had hardly any pathologies in it compared to the past scan.

Yes, we discussed how walking so much was probably helping, but I felt something different was going on.

It felt like proof that the intuition I had before I left for the trip was right; if I get in alignment with myself, I will heal on my own.

I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars, hours and hours and a lot of energy on trying to heal. Everything I have done has helped, to a point. I appreciate all that I have done because it brought me to where I am now, but the solution is much more simple than what I tried. All I had to do was figure out what my soul wants and do it. Allow myself to be who I am. Let go of what isn’t serving me.

It sounds like simple advice, but it hasn’t been simple in practice. It has been a ton of work, especially since I’ve done it trial-and-error style; my usual method for everything. The formula itself is very simple though, even though I’ve worked very intensely to get here.

It feels good to have tangible evidence that getting in alignment has been healing. My face looks great. It is the clearest it has been in 10 years. I still feel like I am in far too much sympathetic activation, but I’m feeling calmer and calmer every day (after I have my bouts of nervousness about getting on and off of busses). I even had a day or two where I remembered how it felt to be me without the chains of self-consciousness and doubt.

So, yes, I’ve had a few very normal days, but I think, under the surface, something exciting is building. It is easy to find motivation to keep going when you believe that no matter what, something better is always on the horizon.