A major theme during this trip has been letting go of the outcome..of everything. I had a hard time making sense of it when someone first introduced the concept to me. It felt so abstract and difficult to grab onto, as it inevitably floated up for storage and processing into the cloud of awareness I keep above my head.

I keep everything I know and experience in this cloud. It serves as a databank for comparison when I encounter new things. I find myself flying through the vapors, bouncing off of fragments of data and memories, collecting bits of information when I find something potentially useful. I finally settle when I ping off of enough individual material to create a cluster substantial enough to draw a conclusion from. Then, I pull it down from above into my physical brain and see if the image or idea matches what is happening in this reality before me. Sometimes it is a slow process if I don’t have enough data to compare new ideas to.

I often wonder how other people just understand things. Maybe they are just pretending, like I used to when I was young and learning how to use the cloud. The sorting was slower then.

When I first heard that I should “let go of the outcome,” I understood the words, but I hadn’t thought about this combination of words meaning something in application to my life. It wasn’t in my awareness. I had just gone through life expecting and relying on an outcome I liked, preferred or that seemed to be most logical to manifest. I had trouble making sense of the difference between expecting an outcome and being open to anything. How do you do something without expectations?

Having expectations had been like living in an apartment with an undiscovered mold problem. The symptoms of the invasion were very present in my life and affected my ability to be happy, but I couldn’t see the exact problem. The landlord didn’t really want to take the time to rip the place apart to locate the source based off of vague symptoms either. So, I lived in a state of perpetual disappointment and trapped in feeling like my needs were hardly ever met.

I let go of having expectations after some time, but I still hadn’t understood that it was different than letting go of the outcome. Things went better, but I slipped into a state of neutrality that resulted in my needs still not being met. I turned having no expectations into having no opinion. I eventually realized that this left others feeling alone in making decisions.

Recently, I’ve been challenged more specifically to let go of the outcome of things. I started to understand what it meant when I found something that I really wanted, but was met with resistance. As I came out of passivity and what I wanted became clearer, I noticed that I wasn’t clinging to expectations, but more focused on what I wanted in a practical sense. I could see without becoming stuck in fantasizing about how it would feel once I had it. I wasn’t attached, but I could still feel that I cared deeply about the future.

Finally, with adequate inspiration, I began to notice that when I was present in a moment, enjoying what was before me with joy and openness, things moved towards what I had wanted. I didn’t have to do anything. I was not thinking about the future at all.

Without realizing, I was eliminating the resistance to what I wanted. My energy was…lighter. I felt happier. I wasn’t pulling or pushing, energetically that is. I didn’t need anything. There was no guilt, shame or anxiety that sometimes comes with expecting things of others or hoping they will act a certain way. There wasn’t any insecurity. I simply moved into a space where I felt free and present, and what I wanted happened immediately after. Magic! It felt like it anyway, but I know it is just how the world works. Still, being excited when I get something right is important to me.

I entered another situation two days ago that in the past would have sent my thinker running to what I wanted. That didn’t happen this time. I didn’t have any thoughts. I simply reached up into the cloud, pulled down the code for “letting go of the outcome” and shifted into that state of being. I’ve been able to stay there. I feel present and trusting. Patience is another side-effect. I don’t feel confused about what to do in a moment and I no longer feel self-conscious.

I wonder if one day I won’t have any need for the cloud. Maybe a light breeze will blow the fog away and leave a bright open space for anything to enter. I think that that is what being present is. Total freedom to be in a moment and respond to what is in front of you. I’m excited for the day that breeze blows strongly enough to let the stars and the sun shine through in a natural pattern. I guess then, anything could come into my airspace and I would see it with complete clarity in an instant.