Wow. I have been way off track. I’ve become accustomed to seeing life through the lens of “my outer world reflects my inner world,” which has been a very effective tool for sharpening my awareness of myself. In this way, it is easy to tell when my vibration is high and my energy is coherent or if they are less so. When I’m doing well, people notice me and make a point to talk to me. I see a lot of feathers. The day flows easily and I receive small gifts such as free train rides or dinner. On the contrary, if I’m out of alignment, I run into obstacles.

This time, I could feel myself slipping into a tight space where there is only room for me. In that space, I lose awareness and that means that my perspective is narrowed. I know that this is a form of fear paralysis; some call it being in old patterns.

I haven’t been in that space in a long time. It was strange to return to the feeling of…being stuck. The familiar feeling didn’t feel familiar to me this time. I could see what was happening, but felt unmotivated to do the work necessary to reverse what was manifesting in my outer world. At least I could see it this time. The loudest signal was that I noticed I was being completely misunderstood. Not by one person, not occasionally, but by everyone and everything. Even the electronics I interacted with refused the input I gave.

The last time I was in this place was when I started remodeling myself a few years ago. Nothing was going well, and, I had no awareness. Lethal combination. Last week, I was repeatedly creating situations in which my communication seemed clear to me, but was never received as I had meant it. It feels very strange to not be able to communicate effectively and it is a cardinal sign of the need to get myself together.

It didn’t take long to change. A friend helped me gain some clarity and I got to work. I was on my phone too much, my mind was somewhere else, my curiosity was low and I wasn’t appreciating what was in front of me, or the blessings I had up until now. I was so confused about what I wanted and what to do that I had forgotten to do the basic things that are required to form and honor a relationship.

I started with my Italian family. I had been afraid to speak and afraid to be a strong presence because I didn’t speak Italian. I was also afraid to be myself. So, I started learning Italian and trying to use any words I knew. I meditated my way into feeling curious and asked about history, food, and anything that came up. I went out and explored on my own. I left my phone at home. I challenged myself to ask for directions instead of looking them up. I was honest about how I felt and what I needed (I am staying with family). I held myself inside of my body while people were talking.

The universe responded. Everything improved, within the first 12 hours of deciding to change things. My family started showing interest in me beyond the usual small talk questions. My aunt let me help her with chores and cooking. Then, she let me use the good shower and replaced my towel with a much nicer one. She listened to me when I was honest about how I felt about things. She became a lot calmer. We started eating dinner earlier…hooray!! I even got to have a conversation about healers in Bali and energy work; something I was naturally interested in.

The better I feel inside, the better the outside gets. Yesterday I was clear enough to receive the gift of insight from an every day event, which I had missed during my time in the hole. I found a dog while I was running. He was laying in the grass looking exhausted and hungry. I ran home and returned with milk, with the intention of bringing him to the house to heal (his leg was broken). As I approached, I realized what this situation represented: every relationship I’ve had, in any form.

I was me, of course, and the dog was anyone I spend time with in a meaningful way. The dog was afraid; everyone comes with their own history and patterns. I usually come on strong; I like to help and my intentions are good, but I’ve realized that what I want is not what anyone needs, so my energy can be scary.

I sat down and waited. I poured the milk and put it a few feet from the dog. Then I sat there. I started singing, then stopped…that’s doing something. I tried to send him some healing, then again stopped. I inched closer, then stopped. All of these actions were born of my desire to help him and get him to let me carry him to the house. He needed space for what he wanted. He needed space to feel safe. No one feels safe when you need something from them.

I waited. He finally got up to drink the milk. I waited. I poured more. He drank it, then backed up. When the milk was gone he sat down. I waited. And waited. And waited. I let go of needing to do anything. Within a minute, he hobbled over to me. He stared at me and then bowed his head. I pet him and he inched closer. There was thunder in the distance and I realized I had been gone for a long time without updating my aunt.

As the rain started, he seemed to be ok with me, so I picked him up slowly. I walked a few steps and then he leapt from my arms. His leg!

He was ok, but he went under a tree to hide. I waited again, but not as patiently. I still wanted to get him to the house. I tried waving down cars. He rolled over, asking me to pet him, but I felt like I was imposing on his space. Eventually, he got up and ran away across the road into the woods. I felt sad. I had been patient, but again, not enough. As I watched him run off, I realized what I had done in most relationships in my life.

Had the desires and expectations of my inner world been so strong as to cause people to run, and so abruptly? Yes, this I knew now. Expectations can be sneaky sometimes. I’ve inadvertently allowed them to run and ruin relationships many times. Well, it isn’t just having expectations, it is having expectations and having a strong energy field. My output is strong so even a subtle expectation is easily felt subconsciously by others.

I’ve been working hard on letting go of outcomes, and therefore allowing everyone around me to have freedom, and I have learned a lot. As I watched the little dog limp across the road, I felt sad, but I also felt thankful for the clarity that this every day experience had given me.

In my meditations, I can feel vibration more and more. When I head to sleep, I feel the kind of vibration that precedes an out of body experience. When my energy is high, my consciousness wants to leave to go on adventures, although this has only actually happened once. So, I know I’m moving in the right direction again, and I’m out of the hole. Just in time to meet more family and then head to Greece!