I arrived in Greece today. I’m staying at a friend’s apartment alone. This is this is the first time that I’ve been alone in a place to stay since I left in June. I feel excited to explore the city, but in continuing with the theme of “non fare un cazzo” that I learned in Italy (or dolce fare neinte, more appropriately) I’m taking time to do something I’ve wanted to do for weeks: watch Eat Pray Love.

This is the first time I voluntarily watched a movie in two years, but I felt excited to watch it because the universe sent it to me. Three separate people recommended it to me all within a week of each other. The universe speaks to me through others, and sends messages in 3’s.

I saw the opportunity to watch it and had a moment of hesitation. I am in Athens, why should I stay inside and watch a movie? I stood on the edge of a small internal battle with myself, and backed away. Feelings of wasting my time were lining up on the hill. This time it felt different; there would be no battle. In the past I would have been afraid that watching something and “getting comfortable” would result in my potential energy for exploration turning into fear of the unknown. Inevitably this would lead to remaining in the comfort of this lovely apartment for the duration of the evening. I gave myself permission to see what message the universe was trying to deliver through this movie I otherwise never would have watched. I am halfway through now and I can feel that I am still excited to get out for the day to see the city. I feel more free to make choices about what I want to do and to make them without guilt.

I noticed a lot of changes within the past few days. I started talking to strangers again, with genuine curiosity. I found myself speaking with ease. I felt no need to tell certain stories to make myself sound interesting; I was just talking. The past feeling of inadequacy was gone. I can see how conversations with people I meet are mutually beneficial. It feels like it is worth the risk and the energy again, although I never used to consider showing myself to strangers a risk.

I drove to the Naples vs. Lazio football game in Naples a few nights ago. Scooters zipping within inches of my mirrors, a parking lot of cars gracefully cutting each other off and forcing their way down the road way, I felt…nothing. Calm. Synchronized with the rest of the fish in the school. I hear Rome is worse. I think I’ll take on Mumbai next to really test myself.

Several Italian men were…being Italian men during the last few days. Meeting me, and immediately asking me to marry them. Trying to kiss me without any indication that I was interested. A 70 year old interviewing me to assess my potential as a mate through my open car window as I backed out of a Lidl parking space. I’m used to this kind of behavior, but during the past few days, I handled it better. I was calm. I said no, and left. I pretended I didn’t speak Italian, and then when I accidentally answered the man in Italian; I backed the car up anyway. I had fun with it.

The experience of watching this movie is no different; I can feel that I have changed. As you can tell, I’m having a similar experience to the character Liz, but with very different inspiration and goals. Many other things are the same. I quit my job, I left home, I’m traveling for 8 months…maybe longer…and some people don’t agree. Maybe her and I are looking for different things but in the end, we are both finding what it means to be aligned with ourselves after many years of being aligned with others instead.

I have cried at least 10 separate times so far. Usually, movies are overwhelming because I feel emotions for the characters, in extremes. By the end of the film, I feel worn out. Today, I feel lighter. Today, I cried not for Liz, but for me. I cried because I felt proud of myself for doing what I want; for making myself a priority. This is the first time that I watched a movie and allowed my own emotions to surface. I don’t feel heavy from Liz’s loneliness or pain. I feel excited by my own progress and to see where I will find myself in the coming weeks. I feel relief and I feel myself, on my way out from under the sand.

It feels good to release myself from feeling responsible for other people’s feelings. I know that these are just characters, and it is not the same as someone who I care for deeply. Space is space though, even if it is from the emotions of people who aren’t real.

I haven’t made it to the end of the journey Liz takes yet. I am getting to India next week, so the intensity of my inner work will increase. I know I’m not ready for where Liz finds herself at the ending because I can still feel myself cringing inside at the thought of trusting another person fully and allowing myself to love. I have high hopes for the future though, and I don’t have to worry about that right now. Now, I have a date with myself and the Parthenon. Ciao!