I had forgotten. I had thought I had felt it before, but again, I knew I had forgotten. It had been six years since then and the forgetting had felt out of my control. It was only out of my control because I wasn’t conscious of what was happening. The threat of the loss of what I had been so secure and genuinely confident pushed over the threshold and the system went into protection. I could remember the events that had transpired, but the feelings were gone. I hadn’t realized that my system contained the ability to burry something so deep that not a trace of feelings remained. It was almost like a program had been deleted. That moment, that instinctive protective stowing of the past in the depths of the tissues meant to sustain my life, drained energy from me for six years.

Outside the ballroom, strangers, simultaneously kin in the context of what was about to unfold, gathered, headphones in, hearts open. I stood among them, looking around, evaluating the postures and energies. I felt like an alien among aliens; I couldn’t decide if it felt more foreign or less than being an alien among humans. I felt nothing. Did everyone else really feel anything?

“Eyes closed,” the familiar voice boomed into my ears as the music began. Everyone was so focused and so serious. I spent my days healing people. Maybe for me it felt less like an honor now, but I felt out of place as I could feel everyone around me preparing to take someone’s life into their hands. What were they feeling exactly? I wanted to open my eyes and watch them make the transition from outer world into their hearts. Maybe if I saw it with my eyes I would understand. I guess I had always used my eyes to manage the functions belonging to other sense organs. It wasn’t working this time.

The lights dimmed, doors opened and the gliding of the strangers into the ballroom commenced. The strangers became brothers and sisters. It felt important to choose the right seat among them.

Don’t worry about where to sit, you will be exactly where you need to be.

The words from earlier, the same voice had told us, were hard to trust in this moment. I tried to use my eyes again, and then shifted into my chest. Where…feels right? I sat. Five strangers and one friend; she would become family in the coming months. We sat as the lights dimmed more.

“Hands over your hearts, eyes closed”

The voice boomed again. In the few minutes before the cue, I carefully scanned the room. Eyes were turned towards the floor around the room or closed, the soul inside already departed from its usual perch. The same dedicated stance I had seen outside the room was now with every brother and sister, as they stood behind chairs hovering over one of their own lying on the floor. The strangers had become kin once we had crossed the threshold of the ballroom. This unspoken transition seemed to have been natural for everyone else, except for me. I still felt like a stranger. What energy were they all tuned into? I still hadn’t found it. I looked down at the assumed member of my clan and searched for something. My chest felt empty. I felt myself up in my head. Seeing the person hadn’t helped. My eyes weren’t compensating in their usual way. I listened to the voice.

Now it was just dark. I was behind my eyes. They were no longer a tool I would use. I searched my chest for the feeling that we were meant to have. Nothing. Should I be thinking of something? Where was it? I had been serving people for years, but had I really been doing it without this feeling? For the last 6, yes. I mechanically performed the steps that were requested by the voice. Out of my hands came energy into the field of this clan member before me. I could feel that at least.

“I saw angels above everyone’s shoulders!”

“I could feel the blue beings here helping us.”

“My heart was exploding!”

Tears.

Hugs.

Tears.

Nothing.

Still nothing. Acting. What would it be like if I was feeling what these people were? I watched as if I was at the zoo as everyone rejoiced in the results of their efforts. I could smile, but I was more confused than happy, so it didn’t feel genuine. I sat and tried to be open. Maybe a tear would come? Nothing.

The woman in the center rose. She looked around at her group of healers and rested her eyes on me.

“I could feel you. Thank you.”

How could she feel me but I could feel nothing? I was doing something after all, so could the block I was experiencing be purely sensory? This woman could feel the healing energy I was producing by attempting to “feel” love through intellect, but I couldn’t sense a thing. I realized I had intellectualized most of my emotions. They were no longer paired with a sensory experience in my body. But they had to still be there if others could feel it.

Two years have passed. Lately, I’ve realized that a spiritual path based on intellect alone is only so effective. It is perhaps a necessary stepping stone for some, like myself, who have in a state of protection stowed away their natural way of experiencing the world in exchange for a safer, but more mechanical experience.

I read, and listened and practiced. In the process, I noticed that I was consciously attempting or actually controlling my breathing, swallowing, balance, elimination, digestion and all natural processes of the body, rather than allowing them to occur. We have innate knowledge that helps us find food, breathe, survive. So why had I taken over? It wasn’t until later that I became aware of how the exact same process of letting go of control and returning to a natural state was applicable to my emotions as well.

The process of becoming natural began with an experience of love. I met someone from a past life. Somehow we both allowed each other to remember something from what we had shared in the past. As if a spell was broken, emotions came back. A flood of energy came into my chest. I was overwhelmed. For several days my body fluctuated between fight flight and short periods of rest, as it attempted to hold the returning, distantly familiar sensation. Headaches, sweat, tears all resulted as the flood persisted. What was I supposed to do with all of this?

I spent weeks with it. Trying to sit with it, but not seeing how this could possibly become a natural, manageable state of being. My insides were exploding, with a simultaneous slow-burning fire in my chest. Over the weeks it settled and it matured. I realized how the love I had felt in the past was so conditional. Perhaps I had not known or felt love in this life.

All of the signs from the universe this week are clearly and loudly recommending that I be with my heart; that I make the transition from thinking to sensing and feeing. I think it wants me to learn to become more natural. The energy healer, learning to do a true self meditation, a conversation with friends, writing advice from an editor, a chapter from the audio book I felt compelled to start this week, my own research within my body, and observations from someone important have all directly touched on the topic.

As I move towards India (in transit now), I am feeling love. I am not overwhelmed, but I do still get headaches from the feeling.

“To be spiritual you have to become natural.”

I heard the words (my paraphrasing) in my earbuds as I had been practicing allowing my body to rest without tension. I think my subconscious is afraid that I won’t exist if every muscle isn’t bound up tightly. Maybe the atoms will drift apart if I let go. I let my shoulders come down, heard the words, and felt open. The love I could feel felt like it was for many people. It isn’t for everyone yet, but I know one day, I’ll know the much evolved feeling of unconditional love and when it is there, it will be for everyone.