A pattern is emerging; maybe you’ve noticed. It is the same pattern that I’ve had, with some variations in duration, timing, etc., since I entered “the river of change” (as Joe Dispenza puts it, and probably others before him). I’m just returning from a period of retreat; not retreat from life, but a retreat within to experience and process…also described well by, “how did I get myself here and what the heck did I create?”

I’m so glad I excused myself from the digital world during this “day 3” (mentioned in an earlier chapter. Inevitable low before a high resulting from a therapeutic breakdown of old patterns/ways of functioning; typically seen with MNRI work). It felt natural because after realizing how much enthusiasm I had lost over the past few months (really years also), I needed a period for recovery and rediscovery. So, I made my second intentional retreat in the literal sense to reset after a period of feeling a little lost.

The first place I retreated (in 2021) to was the Navajo Nation; a familiar place with a minimally social environment and lots of nature to hike alone in. Now, I’ve made a much smaller scale retreat to Ayushakti in Mumbai, India (now the name is Bharat?). I retreated to a place I had never been before in the middle of a LOUD city! Progress, yes!

The reasons were similar in the sense that I knew I had gotten off-track, but the scale was so different. This time, I was off-track with awareness, so I was never really off-track, just having trouble seeing the “why” behind what I was manifesting. Still, it felt good to find some space to dump the accumulation of garbage from the first few months of the trip and before.

The treatments here are strange, only because for many Westerners, “the earth is just a dead thing you can claim” or have to keep looking nice so your HOA doesn’t get upset with you. All of the remedies are herbal and natural; in fact, the earth is perfectly created to keep us alive, in harmony and balance with the rest of the plants, creatures and rocks (and all of the other parts, of course). When we do things to ourselves that move us out of balance, we have disease. So, pouring oil with herbs over your head, heart, and eyeballs seems odd, but it does do what it is intended to do. My comrades and I spend a few hours getting oiled up, steamed and then later while picking dough off of each other we eat our mung soup and talk about our bowel movements. It is a really wonderful way to spend four weeks resetting and making new friends.

Most people come here for serious health concerns. They come to detox with hopes (and successful results) of clearing joint pain, psoriasis, to heal from strokes, clear chronic digestive complaints, etc. I came here with completely different intentions. I wanted to detox the human part of me so my soul could be more free in this body. I wanted my emotions out and my true self to emerge. When I arrived, I was so in the energy of that mission that I forgot that people came here who were suffering physically. Still, it didn’t feel strange to share why I had come with everyone. It is well known that your emotions and stored traumas can lead to health concerns around here, just as having a clear system can lead to higher vibrations and better movement of energy.

Well, I waited. And waited. My emotions weren’t being oiled out of me, it seemed. On top of it, I was still feeling very out of the flow. No synchronicities, no magic. I felt like things were going to turn around soon, but when? I felt patient, with slight concern. I’m learning that my intuition is always right, and it is getting louder, so being patient is becoming easier.

A friend helped me by reading my Akashic Record. Confirmation and more confirmation. Everything is going as it is meant to. Practice healing. Treat everything with wonder and play. Release old energetic ties. Wait.

Then, things started changing. Why was I getting angry? Oh my gosh, I’m crying because my body isn’t keeping up with the yoga teacher’s instructions. Why isn’t this trainee listening to me, I’m getting frustrated.

Ok, so my emotions weren’t level and they certainly weren’t dulled or absent like they had been for a long time. I wasn’t having to dig for them or try to force them. This is what I wanted….So I watched them…and tried not to get wrapped up in them. Then they had me do a procedure called Vaman.

I sat in my white, oil-covered, sweaty robe, head over a metal mobile sink with three trainees, two doctors, one Ayurvedic therapist standing around and both doors to the room wide open to the rest of the clinic. Comical for Westerners, but I think not anything out of the ordinary for here. I drank the freshly prepared hot herb water as fast as I could, as they had recommended. In the end, I think I vomited twenty times, was given an imaginary gold star for my performance and had several photos taken of me with the doctors standing next to me, mid-process. I wondered if my photo would end up on the wall; most efficient vomiting or fastest Kapha release.

I couldn’t feel anything different, at first. Then more emotions started dumping out of my system. The real fun started when I had some emotional marmaa points done during the following days. I felt I could spontaneously respond with empathy instead of spitting out a calculated response devoid of emotion like a robot. Fascinating! I could also stand on both feet continuously statically without shifting around from one foot to another for 40 minutes straight. My previous record had been 15 seconds. As I stood, my legs even started going numb just because they weren’t used to it.

My body is changing, my mind, my emotions, but my favorite part is that I’m returning to being in the flow (energetic). Synchronicities are popping up. My intuitive thoughts are being confirmed rapidly. I’m manifesting small things (a magpie feather, a medallion from a 4000 year old temple in Nepal, a book I wanted, someone who would support my expansion). People are acting differently towards me. My distant healing is working and progressing again. I’m starting to have fun.

I remember a few weeks ago I was a bit down; feeling like the trip was so normal and that I wasn’t having the time of my life backpacking like anyone would expect from such a trip.

“Yeah, but, you didn’t come on this trip to have fun; your intention was to be challenged to prepare yourself for whatever is next,” a friend reminded me.

Oh. Yeah. Of course.

My perceptions had created my own misery again. What is typically expected doesn’t have anything to do with what I’m doing. My intention is the only thing that should determine my experience, and even then, nothing has to be good or bad, successful or unsuccessful; it just is.

Now, I’m so glad I followed my intuition and came to this place. I’m going to spend the next few weeks being here, learning everything I can and allowing the sun to melt the snow pile I’ve been hibernating under. Whatever happens, I know I’ll be ready for the next part of the journey by the time it comes. Or I won’t. It doesn’t matter. I’ll still go, and I’ll keep learning.