Elbows propped on the old scarred wooden desk, my fingers glide across smooth skin. Reaching the edge of my jaw, the flow of movement is interrupted by a small scab. The scab was born of a lack of self control, also a need to control. If someone had seen what was there before the scab, that would have been worse; but no one said anything until it had been forced to evolve into a scab. The scab is worse.

The feeling of something being uneven or out of place is disturbing. I picked again. As I tugged at my body’s natural protection for my small self-inflicted wound, I caught myself. Why do I need to rush this process? Maybe I don’t like the way it looks to others.

As I continued to tug, a slight pain rose from beneath the tissues and spread within the small area. I’m knowingly causing myself pain because I want this to be a certain way. That’s illogical. Despite the signals reminding me of the likely-to-develop regret, I tugged until the scab was removed. There was only a moment of satisfaction, followed by the regret predicted only a few moments before. I had now forced what would have been a temporary mark, to become a semi-permanent stain of my complexion.

I’ve been reading the Gita, since it is conveniently placed in every room here at Ayushakti, and it was recommended to me just before I had left for this trip. In the latest conversation between Arjuna and Krishna, Arjuna is paralyzed at the onset of battle, claiming that it feels immoral to continue. Krishna, in an effort to guide him, eventually gets to the topic of action vs. inaction. Arjuna is worried that fighting for him to have his kingdom returned, treasures, etc. at the expense of human lives is a sin, and avoiding the fight may be better. Krishna recommends action, but only if free from attachment.

But what is attachment? Attachment, according to Krishna comes in the form of being connected to sense-objects and any form of desire. I’ve heard this many times. In Arjuna’s case, wanting to preserve the lives of the men (life is eternal) or to winning the battle, would both count as attachments.

I have heard this so many times in so many ways, but again, and again, find myself analyzing my attachments and how they are affecting, or I am allowing them to control, my actions. It is no different than the scab. The body is designed to heal itself. But, I’m attached to how I look (or the fear of judgment), so, I took action motivated by an attachment. It ended poorly compared to how it would have if I had just left it alone to heal.

Why are we so stuck on having things how we want them? Is allowing desire to control our lives really working out better? Still, fear and desires drive us over and over again to act in an attached, or sinful, according to Krishna, way.

I sat here today thinking about the line between action and inaction. I’ve struggled with this for months. How do you allow life to come to you without getting stuck in complete inaction. I have many moments of clarity and many times when life has flowed, but I haven’t mastered the balance. I know life will arrange things in the best way possible if I let go. I know life will talk to me if I let go. But if I can’t even let my body heal a tiny wound on its own time, I can’t say much for the universality of my understanding.

Krishna also talks about being happy with the self; that if everything you need is within you, you don’t need anything from the outside. Your actions then, will be free from attachment and pure, and therefore, free from sin. I worked hard on this months ago, but perhaps I’ve just uncovered a deeper level of the same…growth-opportunity. I practiced, “if I need something from someone, I don’t talk to them” religiously for a period of time. It successfully helped me eradicate the sneaky self-serving behaviors I had. Now, for a different reason, I’ve picked up the practice again, but this time, I don’t do that thing if I am doing it because I need something.

All of the things I’ve learned are swirling around my head, but thankfully, Krishna is here to help me get back on the ground.

As I finish this post, my fingers graze the place where nature had graciously created protection for me, even after I had mistreated myself (don’t worry, it was just a pimple). Now, it is healed, but a vulnerable and sensitive patch remains. For now, it will be a reminder of what happens when I try to control things in life instead of allowing them to unfold, because I have an attachment to something irrational.

*the moment I finished this post, my good friend from out west called me to tell me he saw me in his dream. I was sitting in a dark box and he reached out to hug me. India is about 9.5 hours ahead of where he is now, so at the time he had the dream, I had been meditating (aka having a battle with my mind over exactly what this post has been about).

Before I wrote this post, I had felt like talking to someone would be of help, then I decided that I had to deal with myself on my own. I told him briefly what was going on and he gave me the exact advice that I had written in this post. To let go and that everything will come. Pay attention to now. Do what you can with the opportunities right in front of you.

I didn’t expect the friend who helped me today to be Ryan, but the universe never brings you what you expect. The universe is here and it does reward action without attachment (or refraining from action with attachment, in this case).