I don’t know. I heard Dolores Cannon (yes, on a small kick) talk about manipulating energy today and something clicked. Everything over the past few days seemed to lead up to that moment. I had a storm of confusion, rising and falling emotions and new feelings of frustration, followed by peace. The peace really came after the panchakarma therapists finally, at my request, fought through my thick hair to apply a magical paste made of onions, ginger and other spices to my scalp. The paste had been applied to my body during the past week and all of the tension seemed to be brushed off with the dry bits at the end of each session. Today, my thoughts and out-of-character worries evaporated into the atmosphere like cool water on a hot pan as the paste dried on my head over two hours time.

The confusion: Why had I been trying so hard? Over my time here at the Ayushakti clinic, I’ve realized how much I had learned to help myself heal by reading and applying what I had read, and then in the past few months, forgotten and stopped applying. It wasn’t intentional, but felt like a natural process overseen and orchestrated by…the gods, other beings, source…but not me. Consequently, I suddenly found myself in the developmental mental state of a year prior. I was being asked to run through the entire process I had gone through last year again. Frustrating? Yes, but I wasn’t sure how to feel; there is always a reason for these things. At first it felt like the universe jerking me around.

What else? Why was the universe having me chase around healing for myself? Someone asked me this week what healing meant to me. That was hard to answer; I felt like the whole search had lost its meaning for me. I was just doing it because it was what I was supposed to do, as if I wasn’t the one driving any longer. Either way, I felt tired; tired of searching, gaining inches of improvement, then trying yet another modality or technique. Other people got to stop. I’d seen others heal. Was it a lack of focus or was this a quest designed by the universe to help me with a grander something later on? I’d noticed that my symptoms were vague and inconsistent, just like my aspirations.

Then, I just wanted to go home. Home; not to Delaware. Home as in where my soul came from. It felt difficult and pointless to be in a human body any longer. I wasn’t succeeding at finding peace in this body and I wasn’t helping anyone else right now with the knowledge I was gaining. I was losing perspective and now more confused than ever about how to get home. How many techniques and philosophies did humans need to ascend? To find home? As a human myself, it felt like a casino (mess in Italian) of ideas.

When I heard Dolores Cannon’s recorded voice, the confusion stopped. What if I just let go, but really let go this time? No mission, no pressure. What if I just accepted that whatever is meant for me will come on it’s own (I’ve tried so many times…)? Or if I accepted that the transition of the feeling of being unbearably and impatiently driven towards an unknown something to a feeling of just wanting to be (specifically in an isolated cabin next to an alpine lake high in the mountains with nothing to do) was part of the plan? The challenge: can I just be and still accomplish…something? Yes, there is peace in that, at least for today.

The people who are a part of the second wave of volunteers (Dolores Cannon, Three Waves of Volunteers) affect others simply by being in their vicinity. They don’t have to do anything specific. I felt comfort in knowing this was true, because it had been my experience…always. People seemed to find some benefit from being near me, even though I had never done anything intentionally to change their life. Much of the time, I didn’t even realize that they had received the kind of value they did until they told me much later. My friend reminded me today that many can learn from example and teaching by being an example could lead to something greater. This sounded like…felt like relief. I could just be, and still help people. No great mission, no huge leaps, no need to discover anything; just be. Was I finding alignment again?

Dolores Cannon said today that nothing is more important than being able to manipulate energy well. Manifesting matter is one of the easiest things. If you want something, the universe is waiting to give it to you, but you have to ask. If you ask, you have to be clear about what you want. Otherwise it is too vague and the universe can’t respond well to vague. I’ve heard this SO many times. How did clearing toxins out of my body this month cause me to forget so many obvious things? A reset button, for sure.

I hadn’t been clear about what I wanted in a while, even though I knew that my issues were rising from not being clear about what I wanted, or deciding on something specific to work towards. Sounds something like insanity. So, today I wrote down what was happening with the intention of keeping track of my story to share it with others some day in a meaningful way. I thought about what I wanted, but then when I went to write it down on paper, someone came and talked to me for long enough that I didn’t ever finish writing down what I wanted.

A few hours later, I received an unexpected phone call, offering me a door opening towards exactly what I had thought about wanting. I think I’ll put more ginger paste on my head tomorrow and see what happens then.