I got out of Mumbai for a few days, but now I’m back in town. I’m attending a yoga instructor training course for one month. The universe pointed me towards this course very clearly, so I followed, but before coming I again had the feeling like I didn’t really need to be here. I feel like I’m ready to be on the move. Fortunately the fact that the course was non-refundable helped keep me committed to what the universe had suggested, or at least helped me respect the necessary pause before action.

What really happened was that I asked the universe to allow me to get a refund if it wasn’t necessary for me to take the course and to not provide a refund if I was meant to take the course. Before my visit to Auroville I had had the same feeling of the visit no longer being relevant. It proved to be an excellent universe recommendation for my personal growth in that case, so it likely wasn’t wrong about the yoga. I slept, and in the morning saw the message that refunds were not given. Ok, but…I started to search for a way around it.

I think we always know what we want, but can be afraid to be responsible for what we want if it turns out poorly. Then, we mask this with being indecisive and attempting to shove the responsibility of making the choice onto something else. Even when we get an answer from the other power that we have shoved it onto, we can still be so disappointed with the response we get. So, in this case, I finally took back responsibility once I realized what I was doing. I usually would casually mention my issue to some people to see what they thought, and then I would make my decision after a lot of stress, having received varied, biased responses (of course).

This decision wasn’t that big of a deal, just like all of the decisions I’ve ever made. Finally, this time, it didn’t feel like a huge deal. If I asked the universe for a sign, and then went on to ignore the sign and do something else, then the universe would have the right to stop speaking clearly to me. So, it felt like an easier decision to go with what it had brought me. It also helped that just a day or two prior I had realized the difference between stress and my intuition.

As my friend and I were catching up, we started examining what it meant to have a balance between masculine and feminine energy; an understanding of which has escaped both of us in our lives. The dominance of masculine energy had manifested in many areas of her life. She was always the driver of projects and the driver in her marriage. While this resulted in her being successful in many ways, she felt now that it was difficult to open her heart. I had had a similar experience. Doing, and less feeling. It wasn’t always this way though. I used to have all of the drive and all of the heart.

My friend had noticed that in moments when her heart was more open, she briefly entered a flow of feminine energy. We wondered if the fact that we had both been protecting our hearts had kept us anchored firmly in our masculine sides. I guess if you open up, you are allowing your heart to do as is natural, and trusting, rather than taking action.

Earlier that same day I had visited an ashram in Tiruvannamalai. The book store was filled with books with the face of the Guru on the cover. He was noted for having spent his life living in a cave on the sacred mountain above the city. I had followed the friends I was with into the shop but wasn’t particularly interested; historically I haven’t been much of a follower. I grabbed a book without his face off of the shelf and flipped to a page to fill the time. The quote was about reading. Essentially, knowledge and reading are helpful, but in the end, you have to forget all of the knowledge anyway.

I had gotten back into reading lately, but had felt like acquiring knowledge was almost a waste, because life would teach me what I needed to know, when I needed it. I still liked having the context for what I was experiencing. I couldn’t forget though that becoming a clear vessel would lead to information flowing when it was necessary. It did seem like to become clear, one would need to forget…most everything.

This led me to think more about intuition. As I rode on the back of the scooter through cows, people and the garbage from the full moon walk the night before, I understood the difference between a gut feeling and actual intuition. It felt related to my friend’s heart being closed and that keeping her from experiencing feminine energy flow.

A few months ago I had been faced with a decision to visit a friend in Germany. As I stood before the train tracks at the station, the overwhelming feeling I had was “don’t go.” It felt uncomfortable and very stressful. My pendulum had said that going was a good idea. But I didn’t trust it because I thought the stress I was experiencing was intuition; or a “gut feeling.” I thought I knew.

I had had this feeling so many times in life and even though I had also experienced true intuition, I had mistaken this feeling for the universe talking to me. Hearing people say, “go with your gut” didn’t help. I always felt stress in my gut, not answers.

As I hopped on that train to Germany, I still felt sick over the choice, but the entire train ride to Stuttgart had been filled with green lights from the universe.

Back on the scooter, I finally realized the difference. Intuition isn’t transmitted into my awareness via my gut; it comes into my head. There isn’t any stress with it. When you first start listening, it is a vague knowing, but as you keep trusting it and validating it by doing what it tells you, information pops into your head strongly and shows up in your environment.

This is where the breadcrumbs come in. Lately, I guess since I’ve been listening more, the messages have been getting clearer and louder. The other day I saw a man who looked exactly like my good friend who lives in Australia. About 20 mins after I met a man from Perth, which is the town my friend lives in (and this was the first Australian I had met in 4 months). Then, two hours later, a message from that friend popped up. A man then recommended I should visit Tasmania…then I saw a “visit Australia” billboard in Mumbai specifically for Tasmania, then I arrived at the Yoga Institute and my roommate happened to be an Australian from Perth who now lived in Germany. This all came full circle 5 minutes after meeting her, but I’ll have to wait to talk about it, as it isn’t finished unfolding.

Either way, there was no stress in the decision I made as a result of those clues. There was no gut feeling. There was no tightening in or closing if my heart. An idea simply popped into my head and it matched the clues.

I think your heart and guy play an important role in intuition, but what if your heart is filled with fear? If your heart isn’t available to help you be in the flow of allowing, maybe your gut takes over to try to protect you, the result being a “gut feeling.” I’ve felt my heart close up at the thought of relationships and I’ve mistaken it many times for someone “not being right.” I can’t say I’ve been wrong about that, but I can say it has prevented me from engaging in many opportunities to learn and grow in that way. At the very least, I want the choice to be free.

As long as my heart is closed, my gut seems to be filled with fear while my head is filled with intuition. I’m sure it feels much different when your heart is open, but for now, this is how I’m calibrated. The decision to stick with the yoga course felt peaceful, and the information came into my head. And now, I’ll be patiently observing to see what the purpose of coming here is.