I’m still at The Yoga Institute. Ever since I started asking for clear instructions and recommendations from the universe (yes, I know I AM), it has been delivering perfect scenarios for me to grow in unexpected ways. Coming to The Yoga Institute was no exception.

The last clear instruction from the universe was to go to Auroville. I received the message weeks before I would go. In the time between the state of enthusiasm from having gotten an obvious direction and the execution of the obvious direction (physically going to Auroville), my enthusiasm had waned. In fact, it transformed into a vague feeling of disinterest and almost resistance to the idea. My insides said casually, “I don’t feel like I need it anymore;” but of course, I was wrong. While there I had gathered such important insights and let go of significant emotional garbage. I actually learned to start trusting again, which is one of the things I needed most.

Before coming to TYI, I felt settled in the decision until the night before. I felt ready for adventure again, so going back to Mumbai for another month felt limited and safe. Again, the feeling of, “I don’t need this experience anymore,” even though I had received such a clear sign to attend weeks before rose up inside of me.

Now, having been here for a week and a half, I can see so clearly why I was sent here, with more reasons revealing themselves daily. Right before I came, I was given homeopathic treatments for having been born via C-section, for shock, spinal injury and to improve swallowing. I could feel the changes after only a day or two of use, but as I started stretching my body in ways I likely never have, the effects became more obvious. Tears came, for a few days. The frustration through which I normally would have kept a level mind was unable to be contained, and I didn’t want to contain it. I felt like I needed to crawl out of my body, even during simple movements. Instead, I cried. No one noticed; they never do (subtle/stealth public crying has been a skill I’ve had since I was young). TYI turned out to be a stable and safe place to process what the drops were bringing out of me.

As more old, stuck things loosened out of my groin and hip flexor muscles, my digestion worsened. I was talking about it to everyone. One day I watched my thoughts and about 90% of them were about the ways my body was failing to meet my basic requirements for functioning. Actually, I was noticing only what was wrong with everything around me. Oh gosh.

Meanwhile, the Ayurvedic herbs stopped working. Hearing myself fixate on what my body was doing as I spoke to my new friends, I realized how relationships had failed in the past. This wasn’t how I wanted to keep living. I wanted to know about people and I wanted to have equal relationships, not to constantly subconsciously seek attention or help. I realized I was still being a victim.

That was enough. I decided that it’s time to heal myself. I had been given the idea by Joe Dispenza two years ago and still hadn’t been brave enough to give it a try. I had danced around it by working on other things and telling myself that I just wanted to do it the “slow way,” instead of merging dramatically with source in one spectacular moment as I had seen at his events. I was afraid; of the experience, or something new, or what it would be like/who I would be without my difficulties.

We sat in class one day and we were asked to imagine how it would feel if we dropped all of the things we identify with; car, job, likes, dislikes, family, whatever. I closed my eyes and everything melted easily. Wow, I felt free. But I still wanted to cling to some of it, only because I didn’t know what would be there instead. I had done the same exercise with myself the day before, but had imagined what would be possible if I stopped diverting all of my energy to worrying about when I would eat next and if I could eliminate it later. I had a different experience than the one in class. It was harder to imagine. Maybe this was woven more deeply into what I thought I was. As I sat though, I could see that absolutely anything was possible. The magnitude of that energy was enormous; no wonder I had been feeling so stuck.

With this realization came a sense of possibility that lasted beyond my meditation. I know it was largely because of the c-section drops, but I started feeling ambitious again. It was as if the part of myself that was afraid to commit to anything for fear of changing my mind again the next day was vanishing. I could start to see good ideas more objectively. My worry of wasting time was dissipating.

The other side effect of the drops had been an immediate ability to say what I needed or wanted clearly to people without feeling…anything about it. Even small things, like being able to walk by nagging sales people and politely saying no and continuing on my way, were providing me with so much freedom. I was now conserving a great amount of energy compared to before. The need to say what you want or need happens 30 times a day, at a minimum and I had been crumbling beneath my former dread.

Now that I could say what I wanted, and see what I wanted, it became easier to understand how important speaking without desire is. I’m feeling more open and more positive towards myself, so I can feel the same growing in my interactions with others. I want to be honest, and sometimes that means saying something that would have been considered “vulnerable; with a negative connotation”. There is so much joy in telling people that you care for them, and I had gone so many years unconsciously resisting the act.

A friend of mine wrote to me. I wanted to say exactly what I was feeling and thinking, and avoid responding with a guess of what she would want to hear in order to produce the kind of conversation I wanted. Wow, I had been playing with the Gods of conversation for years, and most times had lost. It hadn’t been a conscious thing for a long time, but now, it was time to let the habit die. It wasn’t honest and didn’t work.

I took 12 hours before I answered. I wanted to be free of any agenda or emotional motivation. When I finally let that go, words filled the text box with ease. They were honest and they had no agenda. I had no expectation of getting a response at all, mmmm ok 95% of the way. I’m sure you can guess what happened next. I got a meaningful conversation of depth and honestly, which I had wanted all along. I felt closeness over the 5G waves (how impersonal, I know). It’s amazing how we make things harder for ourselves.

Everything is manifesting faster now. I ask for a sign, I get one a few hours later. I asked for a sign two days ago as to where to go when I leave TYI. That evening, at a Diwali celebration, a friend had a gift for me; a deck of cards with pictures of special locations all over India. I flipped through the cards and one caught my attention. The course ends Nov. 30 and the husband of my friend who had given me the cards, who runs adventure tours, has a trip leaving that day to the location I was interested in. she offered to help arrange things.

I don’t know why I’m meant to go to this next place, but I do know that the universe knows best and there will be a lot of learning and self-growth involved. The feeling of resistance to follow the sign is melting rapidly and I am definitely learning to trust again.