“Don’t do that”

The YouTube video rolled on the smart board. Even in Yoga school, they have video learning days. When I was a kid, these days were cherished amongst us. Dark room, relaxed attention, something interesting to stare at. Now, I didn’t have any strong feelings about it, but I did find some small relief circulating when it was announced; I was tired.

With Panchakarma, Watsu, homeopathy and all of this yoga, I was dumping toxins and old emotions consistently. It felt so good, but it was catching up to me. On top of the cleanse facilitated by outside influences, I have still been doing yoga. I know, I said yoga already, but I mean the mental/spiritual aspect of yoga.

It didn’t take long hours of sitting on the hard floor cross-legged to realize that I had already been doing yoga for a few years. My yoga had been learned from reading and applying what I had read in my life. As I struggled to process Sanskrit words said in Indian accents, I felt less and less like a student. I had done all of these things already, but had far from mastered them. It was nice to at least have the experience to match with the Sanskrit words I was not giving enough attention to to remember.

The enthusiasm that I had once read and learned all of these concepts with was now waning. I have been in the prime location to analyze, break down and work though the system of yoga, in its formal presentation, but I’ve felt neutral. Some of it is because I had been trying too hard lately and some of it is because I can sense that I am being pushed out of the knowledge phase. I must have acquired what I need anyway, because I can feel that this lack of motivation wasn’t put in place by me.

The woman in the video had lost my attention early on in the video. The talk was about life purpose and I didn’t enjoy the method of delivery. As she continued to talk, I became annoyed and felt a clear moment where I allowed my auditory processing shut down and my mind to wander elsewhere.

When the woman on the video ceased talking to us in a way I perceived as below our intelligence level, the floor opened for discussion. With microphone in hand, I opened my mouth to speak…words came out, but I realized I had completely forgotten the purpose of what I was trying to say. That had been what the video had been about: knowing the purpose of everything you’re choosing to do. Oh gosh.

Without a purpose, the teacher assumed that I didn’t understand the concepts from the video. Frustrating. As she went with the assumption that I had needed help, I became more annoyed. I replied to what she had said, then WAIT. What she was saying to me was actually correct. I still was missing the point. I’m not allowed to be annoyed.

It wasn’t the words she had said exactly, but she had morphed into a mirror in that moment. I still received new information with a filter, thinking I knew better. Because of that, I didn’t like being told what to do or think by others, and so, I had learned nothing. The whole event with the woman in the video had shown me this again.

It was a two for one deal, however. I had also realized that what I considered to be my purpose was so big, so vague and so incomplete, that I had been living without one almost, still. The purpose of life had become to find the purpose of my life…The teacher explained that if you make your purpose giving 100% to what is in front of you, then your larger purpose will become clear in time. Part of my problem had been that I wanted it now.

I knew the idea of what she had said already, but can you really say you know it if you forget it all of the time or if you don’t practice it? Memories of my Dad saying this exact thing to me after I had answered a question incorrectly and said, “I know it, I just forgot” come to mind. It’s nice to be getting old memories back; another side-effect of the detox I think.

I returned to my room and felt a small collapse coming. I had realized last week (again, I knew it already) that if I just am, and I am 100% present with that is in front of me, everything will go as it is meant to. I don’t have to do anything until the opportunity shows up, then I of course have to say yes, but I don’t have to seek for it. Still, I wasn’t doing it. Even as I talked to my friend, I caught myself saying “I need” to or “I will,” implying future action, which again was what I had just decided to move away from.

I didn’t stay stuck in the sink hole I created. I came out rather quickly, but still trusting is hard. Apparently, according to yoga, Bhakti yoga, or yoga of devotion, is the easiest path, but it really was feeling so difficult to do. It hadn’t always been difficult. I used to know that everything would always work out and that the easiest, smoothest path that arose was the right one. Struggling/working hard aren’t necessary to be successful. That was proven to me in PT school. The amount of studying I did was low because I was coaching soccer, enjoying life etc. but I trusted I would do fine, and got much better grades than in undergrad. In contrast, during undergrad, I had spent most of my time in the quiet section of the library “trying hard”.

I’ve been waking up at 3am every night and it feels like it is important. Two other girls in my class have also been waking up at this time; girls who also fit the description of the members of the second wave of volunteers. 3am is known to be a witching hour, or a time when the veil between this dimension and others is very thin. This allows for increased communication and travel between dimensions. It isn’t clear why I keep waking up at 3, but I have noticed that my night time travels have been leaving me with stronger feelings that carry into the day.

A few days ago I traveled to a place that was meant to be earth. It was still this earth, but earth right near the end of the current version. Things weren’t going well here and there wasn’t much time left before the earth would turn over into the new vibration. Those who chose not to pick up their energy, would disappear. My energetic twin was with me on this particular mission. We were moving here and there visiting houses and people trying to do some last minute work to set people up to move on with the new earth. No one could see us; they never can. It felt comforting to know that the work would be done soon, but it felt eerie knowing that most of the people I was seeing would be gone.

The work concluded at a particular house. Long shallow steps up to a well constructed but small house on a…pile. The surroundings were similar to India; an overpass nearby, and many poorly constructed homes crammed below. The streets were messy, dirt and wide. The air quality was poor. The sky was orange. It was time to leave this behind.

Then, I woke up at 3:00am. I felt like I had done a lot of work that night. There had been a clear purpose.

After letting go of my resistance, I realized that the woman in the video had a clear and valuable point. I guess there is some comfort in knowing that at least my astral self knows.