7:16PM: I was feeling less motivated by the second. My illness of two weeks was catching up to me in the minutes leading up to the appointment I had scheduled. I’d be meeting with the physical manifestation of an interesting strand from my Auroville visit that continuing to extend into my current reality. She had already helped me make peace with being in a physical body.

We were meeting to follow up about the mystery (to me) remedy she had given me at our last physical meeting a few weeks ago. The label on the small tube of homeopathic beads now barely displays BHC30; worn off from the time in my pocket and the sun from sitting on the windowsill next to my bed.

7:30PM: Had it helped? I wasn’t sure. I had two other remedies, started doing yoga, and was still riding the after-effects of the panchakarma I had done last month. Plus, I didn’t even know what the expected results of the remedy were typically, so I just started throwing out everything that seemed different within me. I guess if I knew what to expect, it wouldn’t be helpful for research.

Many, many feelings had changed. I had magically gained the ability to say exactly what I needed to people kindly, firmly, and without the usual guilt or timid feelings (or complete avoidance of saying anything in the first place). That alone had already changed my life, but changes like this become integrated so quickly that often it is like my life was always that way. There isn’t a big celebration with confetti and balloons, just an eventual acknowledgement, small excitement, then continuing as if it was natural to be that way.

I listed off the many improvements I could think of including sobbing without shame or regret in public and finally being rid of the knot in my throat chakra. Her eyebrows raised at a few items. I was putting in a feeble effort to guess if BHC30 was responsible, but it didn’t feel important. Immature curiosity must also have been something that had changed from the remedies.

As I listed, more memories of changes came. Finally, I settled at around 13 changes.

“So do you want to do the two-hour intake for the remedy now or do you want me to just tell you what I gave you?”

My immature curiosity from earlier was satisfied. Excited to have new-found patience, we started the two hour interview.

As she asked, my excitement grew; my enthusiasm was returning.

She asked how I felt about colors, how I interacted with magnets and electricity, how gravity felt to me, about physical issues. My responses flowed out so naturally. I had already noticed that I had odd/atypical habits and reactions to these things many years ago. Eventually, as my excitement continued to build, I realized a major change had occurred within myself.

My body used to kick in to a freeze response when I would have positive excitement, as in, I would start sweating, heart racing, lose focus, and my body would tense up. Now, as we talked, I felt pure excitement for the first time in years. I wasn’t sweating. It felt good to be excited. Maybe this had a greater meaning for me to notice the change at this exact moment.

A thought then occurred to me: if I was getting this excited about the topic, why did I believe that I had to do something ordinary and practical in the world for work (well, ordinary and practical, which doesn’t even mean real)? This woman was researching the effects of the essence of the elements of creation on “humans” with physical/psychological/emotional symptoms related to feeling like they didn’t belong on earth. Dolores Cannon did her research on the new earth and ETs. The Owl guy spent his time writing books and researching about the connection between ETs and owls. Joe Dispenza spends his time coaching huge crowds of people to make contact with source energy. What made me feel like I was limited? Why didn’t I want myself to have fun? Because this was super fun…she was asking me about what fascinated me about outer space…I told her how I had read in a book that there was a colony inside the moon and it had felt real to me and she didn’t even blink twice. FUN.

Limitation: one part inability to conceptualize, one part fear, one part missing puzzle pieces, one part concern over outcome.

When the interview was over, she sent me the website, and several other links. I read the bios of some of the leaders in the field. They did “strange” things. I wondered how they had gotten there logistically, and where they had found the courage. Maybe they just followed what they were interested in and didn’t care about the outcome.

I didn’t necessarily want to do what they were doing, I wanted to find what I wanted to be doing. I do know it will have something to do with the world unseen, but very real. I feel like I’m getting closer. I just need to find the courage to see what I’m looking for.

What do you want to find the courage to do or see in your life? Let me know below!