Last night I asked my astral self to bring my light back into my physical body. By light, I mean the part of me that is invisible but is the most attractive part of me. The energy that draws people in and helps people. The part that is curious and in love with wherever I am. Yesterday my new friend and travel companion (we’ve spent the last 6 days together) talked about how everything he does is about his inner light. People can see it. I guess it is one of his gifts he brings to the world.

I stood in the open roof shower after yoga and felt the sun on my face. I looked at the small flowering tree with purple-pink petals a-plenty growing in the corner and felt the light within me. My astral self had succeeded.

I had plans, but I had to skip them. Sometimes logistical things and administrative tasks have to be done. It always feels like a very out of context activity to be huddled over my cell phone for over an hour, when my chosen path is of trying to be present.

Today, I finally disconnected my American cell phone plan. It took 6 months and a lot of extra money spent. Funny what fear does.

I was really frustrated. I could only use the chat to talk to someone and it was taking over an hour. I tried to stuff the building anger, and then felt my throat start blocking up again. No way, nothing is worth having that feeling again. I tried to relax and just be angry.

The woman on the other side of the invisible line connecting us did everything I asked. When it finally came time to say goodbye, I started crying. It felt like the end of something. Like graduating from high school. I was moving on.

This was multi-dimensional crying. Not unfamiliar, but it doesn’t emerge frequently. I had mentioned letting go of my cell phone in one of my first posts while I was in Portugal. 6 months of time; what it took to actually gain the courage to release it. I cried first because of all of the time I had spent in fear. Fear of doing something new and fear of having to navigate something I didn’t understand. Logistics have always been difficult. Maybe I mean the technical aspects of things. I’m not sure, but I do mean interacting with people and systems that are unfamiliar to accomplish something I need (paying bills, starting an LLC, transferring a phone number, etc.). I’ve avoided it where I can, and it has limited my life and success in so many ways.

I cried then because of the frustration that I had created. There was nothing to substantiate it. It was based on twisted perception alone.

Then I cried because I was proud. I took care of myself in a way that I had always resisted and found difficult to do. I looked for others to “save me”. This time, I had patience with myself, and allowed myself to stay with the task when it wasn’t moving smoothly along. Many times I’ve pushed these tasks off until later because I was afraid to try. I spent a lot of time once I got out of physical therapy school stumbling through the “becoming an adult” phase. It felt like I was finally able to care for myself in ways that my peers had learned with ease a long time ago.

I started to feel free from the burden of the fear that I had allowed the act of holding onto the cell phone account to create within me. I cried for that. Then, it just felt good to cry, and to clear up my throat.

The crying evolved once again. As the Verizon chat came to a close, I felt the intensity increase within me. I thanked the woman more than I’ve ever thanked a Verizon representative. I felt genuine gratitude. She didn’t do anything extraordinary, but she had helped me in a moment that was significant for me. She helped me to succeed in something greater than she knew. She had helped me gain freedom.

The feeling flooded my being. For the first time, I didn’t wait for the automated message requesting my review of the interaction I’d had with the representative. I was so happy to express how I felt, because I had real feelings that I’ve missed for so long.

And then I cried, just for having the gift of the feeling.