I’ve been writing in my journal, but I’ve neglected my blog. I’ve been experiencing so much, and have been so excited to write, but not in the digital form.

Recently, my handwriting improved. It is now legible; well, most words are. Seems to be a side-effect of the yoga, and my recent internal growth. I’ve been having fun sliding the gel pen over the fancy recycled paper in the cloth journal a friend gifted me.

Besides having fun scribbling, I’ve had fun being. Every time I want to write, the feeling of wanting to be a part of what was around me overrides the urge to tak tak tak on the screen of my phone.

This isn’t to say that I’ve been overly social or meeting loads of people (I have met loads of British people lately though). It is just a desire to be where I am, no matter what is happening. I’m far from perfect at it, but I’ve at least had a lot more synchronicities lately as a result.

Over the past two weeks, clarity has come, in many ways. I had a conversation with a French girl that gave me perspective (really, every conversation gives me perspective). After asking me what I did for work while at home, I gave the ever-evolving-way-to-say-the-same-response: I once was a PT, and when I get home, I hope to do something new, but I don’t know what yet.

She said she had to get physical distance from decisions sometimes and so she would set off traveling for several months. The bravery of Europeans always impresses me, and I’m affirmation-ing myself into believing that I’m brave like them, but only less experienced perhaps. This experience of breaking the mold as an American, I’ve found, is the experience of just being a European.

Her latest jaunt was a 3-month excursion both her and her mate at the time took (separately). She wanted to know if they should stay together or not and he, the same. The first month of the trip had been a difficult time for multiple reasons, the second as well, for different reasons. Only in the third did she hit a stride. I felt some relief, comparing how my trip had gone. I was also enjoying the feeling of making a female friend.

By the third month, she had hardly thought of the decision to be made, but once she arrived home, it was very clear to her what was best. I noticed that my trip had gone in similar stages. First, a self-perceived internal awful wreck, stumbling my way fearfully through learning how to travel again. Second, after I’d been torn down, a base was laid. Third, relative peace and enjoyment.

Later, I realized that the trip, extended to exactly 9 months by an out-of-my-control circumstance, was divided almost exactly into 3 phases of 3 months, by when I was making moves, but also the type of growth that was happening. 3 months in Europe bouncing around like a pinball, 3 months of stability in India, and now 3 months of intentional movement, not bouncing, in Southeast Asia, Australia, New Zealand, etc.

I read in a book once that when one is moving through the process of growing spiritually, they go from knowing, by gathering information on how to make a change, to doing, implementing the knowledge in a systematic way, and last to being, by embodying everything that is wholeness/oneness in a natural way. The three stages of this trip felt exactly like, without my intention, I had been following this process. It was a surprise and relief to realize that there had been logical structure and progress after all.

The first months, I had so much knowledge from books I had read over the prior two years. I was functioning in a very intellectual way. On top of it, I was also flowing (or not) in very masculine energy. Trying so hard! As the first three months passed, I began forgetting things I knew. It felt out of my control and I felt helpless as the techniques that I thought were what would take me where I wanted to go faded away.

The second months I realized that I had been trying so hard, learning so much, and that none of it was important. Wouldn’t it be easier just to be? I was aiming at becoming natural anyway, so why did I need such a complicated system to achieve it? As I saw all that I had done reflected in the system of yoga, practicing this way made less and less sense. I just wanted to be joyful, and it wasn’t coming from keeping strict control of myself. On top of it, a friend I had made was easily pointing out that all I had to do to solve my “issues” was to be. I gave it a try and my body really started healing. I used to obsess over whether I would be able to go to the bathroom or not each day (something I had dealt with for many years), and since I started letting my body have a chance, it turns out it can regulate itself without my interference. Sometimes, only to our detriment, we think we know more than our body/nature.

Lately, as I’ve moved towards the third set of months, I’ve felt energy shifting around me. I know that the ground is being laid for something new. As my body starts to balance, so does my mind. The over-thinking has calmed. I feel as though I’m more concerned with being wherever I am and meeting people than I was before. Answers are coming to me, without any effort. This is not to say that I have all of them, or many at all, but I’m so grateful for anything I’m getting.

I also feel like finally, my feminine energy is rising, which I didn’t even notice until a friend pointed it out. What a joyous moment. Since before June, I’ve wondered where mine was and how to get it back. Not a coincidence: the same friend who pointed out in July that I was seriously lacking in feminine energy, pointed out 6 months later that I was flowing in feminine energy. A seriously triumphant moment.

So as I enter the third set of months, I’m feeling something like stability that is coming from within. I don’t feel like I need anything, but I am hopeful that I’ll find exciting things. In this third phase, I can see that the whole 9 months is are a process of re-birth. I have so many new skills, and a foundation to build more on. I feel like it is time to start learning again. Maybe I’ll find what I was expecting when I left in June, but just maybe (probably), I’ll find something much greater.