I think I have spiritually induced FOMO. When I arrived in Thailand, I had an overwhelming sense of needing rest. It was the feeling of a clear valley in the series of energetic peaks and valleys that have been the track of the past few years. I’ve been submerged in constant flow of deconstruction, building and integration. Maybe this feeling meant it was time for integration of the internal work I had experienced/done in India, but it was accompanied by the feeling I get when I’m really motivated to create, so I doubt it. The vibration of the comfort of my old gray couch, wooden industrial-style coffee table before me and pets piled on my lap in my Arizona home has tugged at my heart during the past few days.

But…the adventurer that has been hiding behind a curtain of fear, finally pushed the red velvet aside and stepped to center stage. The adventurer energy directly conflicts with the couch energy, logically. I felt an overwhelming desire to explore this new place, meet anyone (maybe my lack of specificity is responsible for the strange mix of conscious/unconsciousness I’ve attracted) and…exercise.

On the higher vibration side of things (negative/positive do not exist), this version brings me the type of joy that I’ve learned as acceptable to seek. It is worth more than the quiet, still joy of excitedly click clacking on the keyboard and producing several hundred words with ease, even though I know it is not. On the other side, this version keeps me from achieving any goals that require work. This version gathers experiences, learns, and makes connections. This version likes to hike, splash in alpine lakes and dance Latin style for hours with strangers. This version can be non-committal.

The couch version gets things done. This version is content with resting and spending time within. Hours on the floor crouched over pieces of fabric, with heart chakra vibrations and Lord Huron playing, pass easily. The same vibration of joy comes in this state as well. Suitably so, it is an inward satisfaction rather than an externally expressed joy. In theory though, it should bring the same brightness to my being, should it not?

The first night in Bangkok, I let the explorer take me on the back of a zippy motorbike to Khao San Road; a street lined with street food, restaurants and…many tourists. In India, I was typically the only tourist around.

Usually, in these situations, I make friends easily. I spent the next several days in Thailand having some interactions, but nothing like the natural flow of interesting experiences and people that I usually have. The couch and my notebook were still calling me, and it almost seemed like, as I was ignoring the calling, the carrots that motivate adventure horse were just not available.

I moved to Phi Phi island as a compromise. It was small, and had a beach town, so how much could I really get into? I could relax into couch-mode there surely. As the ferry floated into port and I saw the broad granite cliff faces with lush green…hair…meeting turquoise waters, the adventure spirit rose quickly. I didn’t have any great adventures on Phi Phi, but I did try things I would never have wanted to do, including going on a silly Pirate ship tour of the adjacent sights. Many come to Phi Phi to indulge in mind-altering activities; not my scene. While the bar girl poured orange, cloudy liquor into the mouths of my fellow pirates, I felt joy in dancing with all these souls below the darkening sky. Unfortunately, I still look around like I’m at the zoo sometimes in these situations (more so because I’m uncomfortable), but that night, I felt more one with this crowd than I ever had. It didn’t matter what choices anyone was making, we were all part of the same community for a night (and eternally, of course), and I didn’t resist it.

The universe kept a balance for me. As I did things that were outside of my comfort, the occasional conscious conversation or friend appeared, however, still no one who would enable adventure me to take over.

I moved to Kata beach. Surely another beach would allow me to couch-it-up. I relaxed but I still allowed activity to keep me from the real work I was itching to do. The energies still felt so in conflict.

Now, I’m in Chiang Mai and the adventure side is pushing hard. I’ve allowed it to have its way, and consequently, today I noticed that the desire to retreat is completely gone. This happened once before: by this I mean, having a strong, clearly universe-prescribed feeling, wanting something else, and getting what I wanted.

The last time was in Italy, where I was so sick of the feeling of being driven towards a mission not-yet-revealed to me and away from the people I was enjoying forming bonds with…and the kind of adventures I wanted to have. I firmly asked the universe to give me a break…and it responded immediately. As I stood on the train from Bolzano to Stuttgart, I noticed just a few hours later that the driving, pushing feeling was completely gone.

This time, I was having a natural drive to retreat and create, and I wanted to explore. Now, the pulling feeling towards somewhere quiet and restful is completely gone. I’ve withdrawn from the flow that the universe was providing me. It isn’t easy to retreat. I feel like I am wasting my time to explore the world; something that exists only in my own perception and is definitely not reality.

There have been times when, after spinning myself up over something small, it was obvious that if I took 5 minutes to withdraw and reflect with full attention, I would get the clarity and peace I needed. And there have been way more times where I’ve ignored this clear olive branch and continued in action to dissolve the burning anxiety. It took much longer doing it my way than the times when I took a pause and wrote a conversation with myself in a notebook for insight or laid on the floor motionless as the energies passed.

So, it seems like my whole conscious life is a choice between ignoring my intuition or following it, all while negotiating with the universe to cut me some slack if I choose the former.

I did receive some grace this time, however. Even though the drive for rest has dissipated, the drive to create easily returned once I sat my finally not sweaty self (I was sweating continuously in India for 3 months) down at a small, very cute tourist-oriented cafe to write.

I think the people who are successful in life have mastered this balance between creating, retreating and adventuring; they’ve mastered a balance between masculine and feminine energies. So much so, that in a single day, they can move gracefully between the states. There’s time for hiking, meeting new people at the lunch spot, having genuine connection with a local couple who invites you to visit their land in the mountains, riding a scooter up said mountain AND spending time working on projects. That seems like success to me, anyway.

I keep getting good and timely advice from people who seem externally like they are chained by addictions and habits, but successful. The universe is working hard on humbling me and breaking down my ever-present and unwelcome sense of judgment. I’m working hard to let it tear this from wherever my being is clinging to it.

I met a guy my age who, as he chain-smoked blunts of local varieties of weed, told me that success is 10% your idea, and 90% your execution and effort. It didn’t hit me strongly in the moment as insights usually do, but I think this is only so because I already knew what my issue was. I know what I want to do, I just keep letting the adventurer take priority.