I laid poolside in the shade of the open umbrella, only open at this hour of fading sun due to my new friend failing to find the usual slim metal spring-controlled button on this old Regenschirm (gotta practice my German where I can). I was trying to write. I wanted to write, but at this point, it felt like an escape strategy. I scribbled in my journal, as the wind pushing the writing boat starting to settle, persisting forward into the zone of forced expression. I wasn’t ready to face the present again yet. This manifestation of inconsistency was exhausting me.

I had met a few interesting people lately, one including this girl currently adjacent to me on the bamboo slatted platform under the still-open umbrella. I had made a habit of watching people like her, because they presented like the image on an old overhead projector; slightly out of alignment with the true picture. This alignment issue was obvious in their words, but the real signal came from the way they felt to me.

These people produce a feeling like sticking your finger into fabric and twisting it, that floats in the space over my left side of my forehead. It feels like confusion. As this girl spoke, the fabric twisted tighter. At some point, it exhausted me and I needed to get away.

These people are never the same. The twisting comes from the vibration they carry, not how they are. Twisting and confusion aren’t the only feelings that these people inspire. They also light up a curiosity in me. I feel like I need to listen to them, maybe for analysis, maybe to learn? But after a recent conversation with Bao, who always brings clarity, it seems that the curiosity is a signal that there is something to teach.

I don’t mean sit them down and give them a speech about the universe or how to release fears, I mean teaching by vibration. It is energetic, intangible. I’ve noticed it when, after talking to me (often at me, I don’t get many words in), they decide that they need to make a big change. It is almost as if their talking keeps them close to me long enough to receive the vibration. All of these people are on the edge of change.

Some are on the edge of changing from unconscious to conscious, and most are already conscious, but disorganized and not fully committed to becoming unlimited, or not in alignment with their mission yet. Sometimes it seems as if they just needed a frequency to calibrate to.

Other times, these people seem to shift based on what I say. They always listen with curiosity and openly accept the information I have, even though it means they now need to make a complete shift in perspective. I noticed this as a gift two years ago when I was really excitedly telling everyone about how the world really is and how much power we have to create it. No matter who I spoke to, everyone sat, leaning closer with open mouth and furrowed brow; the look of processing new information, as if they just realized they were left out of the party-invite list of their best friend, but still asking for more details. If you tell someone the truth when they weren’t aware that they were ready to hear it, the look is the same. The conscious mind takes it before the ego can step in to battle it off. It was a strange phenomenon when it started to manifest.

Often times, I also admire these people. They seem to be more free than me, more wise, more successful etc. As I spend time with them, however, I see that the feeling of unworthiness that I allow to be present around them is an unsubstantiated feeling. We all have success in different areas of our lives.

These people also seem drawn to me, but only for a time. Our meetings don’t often result in long term relationships or friendships, except in a few cases where the person is still in the phase of making a transition from unconscious to conscious, or if they haven’t quite gotten what they needed to make the change yet. Or maybe we have greater work to do together. Most people receive what they need quickly.

These people pull on me and drain me, if I let them. It feels like I want to resist being present with them, but also enjoy their company. Early on in our meeting, these contradicting feelings are always present.

Lately, I’ve run into more than one person of this kind who are conscious but have difficulty with worldly distractions such as drugs or alcohol. It was hard for my ego and inner child (the one with so many rules) to watch as these people chain-smoked joints and had passionate conversations comparing trips they’d had with various drugs. I could feel the sensation of judgment and discomfort: a tightening and twisting combined with folding inward. Like I didn’t want to be associated; I wanted to get away. I stayed though. What other people choose to do has nothing to do with me. But I found myself wondering at the time why the universe had placed me in the company of these people. Wasn’t I supposed to be attracting a vibration similar to mine?

This is when it became more obvious that these people were a clue. Insight into part of what I’m meant to do in the world.

Each person I encountered would, on their own, decide to change. They would start focusing, drop the drugs or at least start questioning their interest in it, or change whatever they were struggling with. I wasn’t doing anything. So…

I’ve felt lately like the magic in my travels has slowed down. Things are normalizing again. My intuition isn’t screaming at me but gently steering me. I feel a bit disappointed by this because I love the obvious trail of signs, but maybe, the magic just isn’t coming in the form I’ve become accustomed to or the form I expect. Perhaps the trail of people is something to focus on more now. To start balancing how much time I spend internally focused with how I can help others.

And maybe, as the people I can help/who can help me are drawn into me, I don’t need to squish my face on the ground looking for every little breadcrumb. Perhaps I can now walk upright and notice the crumbs from where I’m standing comfortably, and trust that I’m going the right way, being of use wherever I go, even if I don’t see every single one.