I’ve been home for two days. As I woke up on the first morning, I could feel deep sadness creep in along with the familiar feeling of needing to move. This old habit of “doing” to justify existence and therefore avoid being labeled internally (historically perceived as externally as well) as a failure came from…the magical genetic fairies that transferred all of the fun traits I’ve inherited from my parents.

The genetic fairies I’m referring to work on the physical level, and then their planted seeds sprout into magnificent and debilitating psychological patterns of behavior. In this case, the inability to physically be still became the mental inability to stay still.

I spent the first day feeling almost depressed, but depressed with perspective and patience. I knew this feeling was temporary, and these days, all feelings and “states” last only a few hours, so soon I’d be relieved of this feeling of sinking slowly into quicksand.

The second day, I didn’t stand still. I moved; a few times. I started off with a meditation that by my usual standards was awful; mind pinging about excitedly and completely disobeying the request to send a column of light from my bottom into the earth. However awful it seemed, it was majorly effective in setting me up for a much better day. I felt good. But, moving always feels good. Endorphins come easily when tasks are being accomplished, at least for those of us who are chronic movers.

I made small movements. Signed up for a BLS renewal course, had a meeting, talked to a potential part-time employer. Small moves, but it felt like a balance of nothing and something.

As I took an evening walk, I realized why I felt so much better. It was the same reason kids with ADHD run around the room like maniacs or twist in their seats like worms writhing in the mud after a hard rain. If you lack postural stability, it is much easier to move than to stand still and, it feels better.

I was having so many feelings come up after returning to the bland state of Delaware and the safety of my parents’ house, that I was becoming overwhelmed while seated in myself, but not fully stable in that seat. It was harder to stay seated and feel everything than to make moves and therefore sit with the feelings less. My physical lack of stability (ok, I look built, but you could push me over with 1 gram of effort) was manifesting exactly in my mental pattern of handling difficult feelings. Not a surprise. I’ve been studying this and myself for years.

It was good however to be able to see the pattern clearly, and from this perspective make conscious choices to make moves, and between the moves rest/sit. The best part is the lack of anxiety. But, I have to laugh at myself, for I gave myself only one day of rest to process 9 months of having constantly been challenged. One day is still an improvement.