What a fascinating phenomenon. Have you ever had an intuitive feeling that someone wasn’t right for you, but your emotions raged in favor of them still? Have you ever sat with this conflict for the duration of knowing them, and all the while, continued to resist the idea because you thought you were doing the right thing? How about resisted the feelings?

It has almost been a year since I first felt what it was like to be connected with someone I’ve known in a…many…past lives…maybe even a part of my soul in another body. Still not certain, but defining it is only important to be able to share about it in a relatable way.

It’s evolved so many times. The evolution has been good. It feels mature and peaceful now. Still, I’m learning how to trust that no matter what, it is safe to share how I feel and what I think in the context of this kind of relationship…because all I’m doing is being transparent, and that’s my goal. I’d spent years playing in other situations that I allowed to reinforce the opposite perspective and rewriting the character has been taking some time.

A month or two ago, I had finally let go of the attachment to this person. It felt good. I felt free and neutral. It allowed our relationship to grow closer. But several weeks ago, I felt something rising within me again.

No. Had I not actually let go?

I wanted to watch. It didn’t feel the same as before. It still felt more free and closer to neutral than before.

I waited.

And waited.

A few days ago, I finally realized what had happened. I had let go of the attachment only, but not the feelings. I felt excited at this realization; excited to have an opportunity to be honest and transparent, and excited at the opportunity to do nothing about the feelings. I didn’t feel like I needed anything so there was no reason to act. And even if I did, I wouldn’t. I’m not playing that game these days.

But, the timing didn’t feel right, so I waited to share what I had discovered.

I waited.

And waited.

And then the fear of being rejected started to set back in.

Yesterday, I woke in high spirits. Soon after, I plummeted into a space of confusing emotions. I cried even. I watched from the seat my consciousness occupied as my human character went through this act.

Why was I even upset?

This felt really old. The rest of the day I felt lost…the lack of bravery to tell them how I felt became inevitably a lack of transparency. I was jettisoned into space, floating with a severed line, whirling and tumbling about without orientation, and it bled into how I felt about everything that was going on in my life. It felt so irrational, but there I was, allowing the feelings to roll as they did.

I needed the ocean. I could feel it clearly. I asked my mom for the pass for the beach, but she replied that she needed to be present because it was a senior pass and she wouldn’t be ready for several hours. It was $4 to park…I waited. I made waiting for my mom a preliminary step for me to get to what I wanted. I realized then that this was what was holding me back in most areas of my life. It was time to start accepting that moving towards what I want may require certain steps, and it’s ok to just go in a straight line towards them taking the steps, instead of pushing aside what I want by making them into an obstacle. Fear again. I was happy to be able to see it now.

After this carnival show of feelings, I asked my astral self to clear my mind before I fell asleep. I traveled, but I don’t remember where. I woke up clear. I could feel the optimism lingering around me, but it wasn’t within me yet.

I decided to say what I needed to say; to be transparent. I was afraid there would be the ceremonial running away I had experienced in the past, but I knew, I thought, we were past that.

We were. The conversation skipped along to everything else. It was natural, and things flowed even more easily. I guess I had thrown a few rocks in the stream by withholding how I felt, and through sharing plucked them out, restoring and even enhancing the flow.

But it gets more interesting…a few hours later, I started to feel love rise within me. I didn’t know where it was coming from. It was quite visceral, more so than I could remember feeling in recent years, and especially having come without inspiration. It stayed for hours. I wanted to share it. With who? I knew that I would share it with everyone, the trees, the animals, whatever and whoever I came in contact with.

I went out, I talked, I felt like myself. I felt more free. The optimism was in my body now and radiating outward. When I finally returned home I realized: being transparent about the feelings I still had was the first time since I had met my special friend that I actually allowed myself to have them. Permission was granted. I hadn’t been transparent when we met, and I had worked hard to be as transparent as possible since.

I had finally done it. How could I have kept myself in time-out for an entire year? In resistance? The funny thing was that I was very vocal about how I felt, my feelings were well known, and as we had tried to navigate the relationship, I had been clear about where I stood. So, it wasn’t about what I said, but inside, I wasn’t ok with the feelings and I was punishing myself for having them.

I read about this years ago in one of Michael Singer’s books; how we torture our poor hearts and punish them for feeling something. We can’t handle the expression, so we tell it to be quiet and stuff it away.

Historically, I felt like the overwhelming feelings of love I’ve had in my life were torture to deal with. It was painful to me, to be so overwhelmed, and even more so to sit in it without having any place to express it. Now, I’ve sat in emotion and done nothing about it so many times to unwire these responses, but it was anger or sadness or guilt, not love.

So for the first time, I sat in love, and I didn’t feel pain. I felt glad it was there, even with nowhere or no one to give it to who would return it. I’m just happy to have it. I hope my heart will forgive me for what I did in my ignorance (of course it will, it is me afterall).