“Universe, can’t I just have some experiences to work through my relationship fears?”

I pulled up to the library. Closed until 12. It was 10AM. I usually tried to be here by then, but most days, I flowed in when I could. Today I was on time for opening…but not. I saw a gray beach patrol Jeep pick-up pull in and sensed something important would come of our inevitable interaction.

I watched him walk up and try the door, same as I had, only then reading that the hours today had changed. I told him it was closed. We both walked to the patio and shared a table. Between our work, we got to know each other. He had also seen that there must be more to life, quit his job, traveled and now had found his way into a job he loved. I shared about my backpacking trip, following my intuition around and what my plans are now.

“I have a friend who did the same thing…he just got back from his long trip. I think he was visiting temples and all. Now he is doing something similar to you.”

He took my card.

Several weeks went by. I allowed the thought of this supposed spiritual friend to linger on the periphery of my curiosity. I couldn’t find his contact and hadn’t heard back. Finally I realized the universe had thrown out a carrot and I had just been sitting with my back turned to it…why not just turn around and grab it?

So, I did. I attended one of his meditations that week. It had been a long time since I had met someone who was at a similar place or further along in their own journey towards freedom…towards alignment…towards what they were meant for.

I felt neutral…with a tinge of excitement. Things would unfold as they would. Him, having recognized similarities in me, offered a date for us to meet.

That was today. Before I left the house, I could feel the old pattern of fear rising. The one that wanted me to run. The one that highlighted things about a person that weren’t something I would want. I saw it and gently reminded it that I had been excited all week, so now was a good time to continue that feeling. Poof. As if a gentle breeze blew through me and carried it off, it was gone.

I first arrived, confident outside and slight fear inside, this time a fear of being seen. 5 minutes, then poof again. I felt at ease. This was the first time I had gone on a first date and been completely myself. It felt so different. There was nothing to be nervous about. Nothing to change. Nothing to explain. The concept of the “right moment” hadn’t even occurred to me about anything. I didn’t care what he thought…I had only waxed my legs finally before leaving as a robotic gesture.

We rode waves, laid in the sand and neither of us needed anything. We were just there getting to know each other.

Oh gosh, how good it was to just talk. To just joke. To smile. To not guess what he was feeling or why he said something. To let him be who he was instead of scrutinizing who he was as he was revealed. At some point I realized I had forgotten to perform the ritual of feeling self-conscious in my bathing suit. I felt…present.

The time passed, but I didn’t have that anxious awareness of the evening eventually coming to an end lingering over and between every moment. Ahhhh.

He told me he what he was working on. I told him I was working on patience and pacing without being anxious. On loving without attachment. I realized why things felt so calm and comfortable: we both saw the opportunity that lay before us and we were both open about it. We were in the same place and without expectations. The honesty felt good.

It wasn’t until I had left for the evening, and instead of sitting in a review of the evening and excitement for what may come simply drove home in the dark, that I entered a brief comparison. The last time I had met a mirror was on the first day of the Camiño. The entire experience was beautiful, however, it was a tortured effort at many times early on. This was the last time I knew there was a learning opportunity in the relationship in front of me and could see it clearly. In contrast, this time, we both knew what was unfolding and welcomed it and the unfolding is peaceful and sweet. But, this is Day 1.

Now, I arrived home and I am…home. My thoughts aren’t consumed with the day, the experience, the feelings. They’re firmly committed to the Trader Joe’s pot stickers currently steaming and feeding my cats treats. I don’t need to work on my fears, I just need to allow my heart to feel.