I laid in bed on the phone with a friend crying, with the sun peeking through the blinds that had taken my mother months to get. It hadn’t been her fault; the man who promised to install them always seemed to have a family emergency. The emergency continued for seven consecutive months.

I haven’t had the best luck with keeping friends during most of my life, which has been a consequence of feeling different. Despite years of observation I still lack an understanding of human relationships that allows me to have a lasting one.

I can’t take all the blame outright though. The most serious obstacle to maintaining genuine friendships has been my tendency to attract avoidant humans with mild traits of a narcissist combined with being myself; an anxious human with mild traits of a treadmill belt.

If you cannot relate, I’ll tell you from experience that this is a deadly combination (there’s just a lot of fighting and pain). The avoidant participant craves validation in the form of love, attention, unwavering commitment, however they also crave space.

Combine that with the tendency to need the upper hand to feel safe, being extremely skilled at manipulating every discussion in their favor and a lot of gaslighting.

The anxious doormat isn’t innocent: people-pleasing, making decisions based on their fear of being abandoned, catering to avoid conflict, co-dependent behavior and inevitably being completely dishonest about who they are.

I don’t know how many of you have had a close friend bring you to tears without any remorse, but it feels like garbage after it has gone through the compactor.

I laid in my bed still wrapped in the confusion of my last conversation with my friend, feeling beaten down. In the following days I felt almost depressed and like my existence was futile. This was the catalyst for committing to crushing my habit of attracting anxious/avoidant/narcissistic friends.

This isn’t about anxious/avoidant/narcissistic people though. They are just playing out their fears, like the rest of us and can’t be blamed. This is about, as always, the reason why I attracted this type of person in the first place.

It is now February. It took me 6 months to figure out the reason, and how to ‘unwind it’; I always imagine a thin thread pulled, unraveling something whole into nothing. It represents the process of changing a behavior by discovering the root cause.

I found that I had not been myself. I had continuously morphed into what I thought everyone else liked/was interested in…for years and years, the duration of this most recent relationship with my friend included. My goal since the beginning of my quest to learn how to be a spirit in a human body had been to be transparent.

I found myself in this case and every other friendship like it, doing the opposite. Why was I so afraid to tell people what I thought? Or to show who I really was? I like me, I think?

Even in this most recent relationship I can recall a conversation where my friend specifically told me that friends don’t have to always agree. That had hit me as a novel idea…at 33 years old.

I had spent so much time having friendships where I was taken advantage of, belittled, or treated like an object to be controlled and allowed it, that conflict only had one result: being abandoned.

After I first decided to crush this habit, I was angry for a while. I was angry because I had not been myself and had allowed myself to be treated in ways that current me didn’t like, in favor of preserving a relationship that was built on lies and fears. It had great depth and was beautiful, but it had been covered over with a bunch of bullshit.

I realized I needed to start practicing saying what I thought, but I was afraid. At some point you realize how nonsensical it is to believe that everyone else can say what they think and you automatically receive it with kindness, and to not expect or ever have the same in return.

It was nonsensical. When you first notice something like a tendency for others to respond poorly to you offering your opinion, you just notice it. It seems odd and is something to ponder. As you keep noticing it consistently, then you unconsciously form a ‘rule’: when I do X, then Z happens. Unfortunately that’s enough to get the snowball tumbling. Eventually, you start thinking about it consciously, and then you start saying it out loud, like it’s a part of your personality.

“When I give my opinion, people always get mad and walk away. It’s weird!”

At first it hurts, but then you numb to it and wear it like a Girl Scout badge. This is just what happens.

Eventually you start manifesting your own belief over and over again, and unfortunately without consciousness of what you’re doing. You collect more and more evidence of it being true. People really do run away or get mad when I say what I think…It becomes so solid a part of your being that it no longer affects only one small part of your life, but eventually affects all parts.

I found myself paralyzed in ways I had seen but not imagined this being the cause of. The children I work with weren’t respecting me, I was physically ill…I was so agreeable that I had become boring! and no wonder people were interested in me at first and then their interest waned quickly. I was a blank slate waiting to be written on: no opinion, no boundaries, no desires…no one.

It took time and effort to unwind this habit, but the most pivotal moment was about a month ago. I had worked with a hypnotist, done my own affirmations, fasted (yes that helped me get rid of fears), unwound several other issues I had been having, meditated, talked to my inner child, etc. but a direct conversation with the universe turned out to be the most powerful.

I stood in the shower that was always too hot, burning my backside and felt so fed up.

What the fuck? Why was this so hard? I am so limited by this BS and so frustrated. I have been trying hard for months and I’m still stuck.

I had to make myself a little angry for my request to work. The universe didn’t listen if I didn’t mean it.

Hey universe…

I asked for clarity. Why was I so afraid to speak my mind? To have an opinion? To be honest? To say no? Even if I’m wrong? I knew if I made my subconscious belief conscious it could vanish with a snap…

Make it so obvious that I can’t miss the answer…

I wasn’t sure if it would work. I had been giving a lack-luster effort to my meditations lately and felt my super powers waning.

I walked into work to find my boss carrying her two year-old under her arm like a torpedo down the hall. He was screaming, but it looked like an act. We gave each other an eye gesture that meant, “well, it is what it is.”

We met again in the hall, torpedo having been unloaded, for a ceremonial debrief.

“He needs to understand boundaries because he needs to know how to be in the world. Sometimes things just have to be a certain way. I also want to hug him and give him what he wants. I don’t want to traumatize him but it’s hard. Hard to be a kid.”

I told her it was hard to be a parent! To give the exact right contact or feedback to your child so that they feel loved but also respect you and what needs to happen in the moment? It’s an art that few have mastered.

I recounted a time when I was four and refusing to go where my parents wanted…

“Oh shit!” I said mid-story. “That’s it!“

The universe had delivered. In telling the story I had realized where my association had come from. I had associated being abandoned or rejected with me saying no (which had later evolved into giving any opinion, belief or idea of my own) during an incident in the mall.

It was simple: my parents said it was time to go, I said no and pouted, and then they said they were leaving jokingly and moved out of sight. I panicked, froze and cried. I said ‘no’ and they left me.

It was so simple, and yet, I had seen evidence of this belief manifesting and evolving into the largest, most invasive ivy network you had ever seen. I was prisoner to it.

In the days following this realization, the pain of fear in my chest that rose when I had to give my opinion vanished. I watched as I set a boundary with a former patient and she graciously accepted my terms, continuing to seek contact with me afterwards. Everyone’s response to me was positive. I was becoming free, finally.

I felt relief. I could see clearly how becoming conscious of why I was feeling that nonsensical belief to be true had cleared space for me to have a different experience, ability and reality.

Shortly after, I went out on a medical service trip to Bangladesh as the lead of a small team of therapists. This realization had come just in time. My new skill would be tested frequently.

I now have some new friends. They aren’t perfect. They match some of my other fears and flaws, but they definitely aren’t co-dependent, mildly narcissistic or avoidant and they don’t run away when I say what I think 🙂

If you’re experiencing the same, or another pattern that keeps coming back again and again, get a little passionate about it and ask the universe for some clarity. The universe knows the answer and is just waiting for you to ask.

Let me know in the comments if you have success 😉