In a brief moment of reflection, I observed the difficulty of merging the worlds that are writing for myself and writing for others. For myself, would mean using this platform like a journal. For others, it is picking out details from the day and expanding upon them in a relatable and interesting way.

The thought was out loud and was met with a reply from my friend who made some joke about Alfred Hitchcock, that was intended to say that now I understand the challenge all writers face.

I find that when I consider what story would be interesting to others, I am less interested in writing it. I feel that the details of my day on the Camino are not that interesting without the self-reflection, nor are they particularly helpful. I tried to write some details down and I scrapped the attempt quickly. My job isn’t really to make any decisions for anyone else, and that includes what is important or helpful for them. If I try to write anything besides what I like to write, a self-imposed weight of responsibility is chained to it. Responsibility, when wielded incorrectly, can be a fun-killer.

My goal in writing isn’t to have a successful blog. My goal is to have a record of the things I learn, and to hopefully present them in a relatable way. This blog is a medium for me to provide a perspective that may come at the “right time” for someone else, as so many perspectives that I’ve read have for me.

All that being said, I just want to say something simple today: I left behind a necklace at some kind of shrine we passed today. The necklace was representative of an old version of a relationship. The relationship is still intact, but needs to mature. I’ve thought about leaving the necklace several places and surprisingly, I’ve hesitated each time. I haven’t been ready to let it go.

To be clear, what I would be letting go of is mutual on and off admiration, confusing signals and never quite matching up at the same time. What I would trade this version for would likely be genuine friendship and freedom for both parties. Logically, it seems like an easy decision. Why do we hold on to things that aren’t working for us?

Comfort and familiarity, of course, but the main reason is losing the source that is feeding our emotional addictions or some kind of lack. What was this feeding for me?

The answer to that feels complicated because I haven’t properly dissected it. I’ve done this for most things, but this time, I didn’t want to. I just wanted to let it go. To me, it was simply mistaking an important soul connection for love, and it happened over and over again.

I knew freedom waited on the other side of this decision, for both of us. I stopped, unclipped my pack (it really had to be important for me to go through the experience of taking off and putting my pack back on), and took out the necklace. Tears welled up in my eyes. I didn’t expect them to come, especially in front of my new friends. It was easy for them to come though and I was relieved. I set the necklace down, took a moment to give proper respect to the energy surfacing to release in the form of sadness, and then turned and walked on with my friends.

I rushed the process a bit, and so I feel there is still some residual energy stuck in my chest, spinning, looking for a way out, as I sit on top of it. I have to forgive myself for this. I did better than I ever have. I feel lighter. My chest is more open.

I hoped to leave the last shred of the old relationship with the necklace, but as I turned away I knew I still carried some within me. Objects are just symbolic; we still have to do the inner work.