Is it best to write when you have a lot of unsorted thoughts and emotions or when you have a vision of their direction of movement? It must depend on the perspective you look at it from. First, using the word you isn’t appropriate here. I’m not actually looking for a guideline for what is correct for the majority. What I’m really trying to evaluate is what is best for me to do. Historically, I’ve tried both. The latter has had better results in many ways, but I’m noticing (far from the first time) the side-effect of waiting to speak: a loss of passion and a gradual loss of self.

The purpose of watching my thoughts before I allow them to leave my mouth was to smooth the waves I’m putting into the world and to allow my true self to have a chance, but now, I’m finding it is having a reverse effect. Originally, there were a lot of stored experiences that I was allowing to shape who I was. Now, I’ve shed many of them and if I haven’t shed them, I can see them most of the time, so I allow them to have less of an effect.

Today I sat on the train and I made an attempt to start a conversation with an Indian man. He didn’t speak English, so we did our best. As I spoke, I could feel how controlled I was. I was genuinely smiling, but I wasn’t having any fun. I felt like I was acting the part of someone who is level and peaceful, but felt more like the person was somewhere in front of me and not connected to me. I was watching, but maybe not being?

I listened to a tarot reading from someone who has been consistent every month in his interpretation of the stage of my journey I have been in (the autistic mystic). I like him because he is honest and acts however he feels, unapologetically. He said this time, I’m hiding myself or a very important part of myself. As a result, people likely think I’m boring. Greater than that, I’m just keeping my own life at a mediocre level. I reflected on it…I had been feeling this very strongly. How much joy had I been robbing myself of by holding back? I don’t usually dwell on the past, so I didn’t actually ask myself this question, but the point is the same. Many people have been asking how the trip is going and it is just that: mediocre. Usually my travels are filled with interesting people and a lot of unexpected, exciting events. I know I am responsible for what I am attracting, but I wasn’t sure why everything felt so normal. It helped to hear this perspective to confirm what I was feeling.

I’ve been attracting people who are challenging me to set boundaries in the physical world, but I’m realizing they have also been inviting me to show some deeper part of myself in the process. I have tried, and it wasn’t well received. People have been expecting me to be different than I am so they are more comfortable. I must also be feeling like I should, otherwise they wouldn’t show up this way. I guess I gave up for a while, which resulted in complete mediocrity. The challenge now has nothing to do with anyone else; I have to figure out where my true self went.

I think I’ve made a few mistakes in my inner work. In the process of dissolving myself into the whole, I dissolved everything. We are meant to be here with different skills and personalities. But the line between having an individual persona and an ego is fine. I guess like everything else, the feeling behind what you are doing is more important than what you are doing. If I want to sing to myself in public, am I just singing to myself because it brings me joy or am I doing it hoping someone will tell me I sing well?

I haven’t figured out how to keep the parts of me that are essential to what I am on earth to do. I didn’t mean to, but I dropped a lot of my skills. Everything I’ve done in my work has been like this though; I tear everything down, then find the middle again. The autistic mystic said that when you start showing yourself, people may not react positively at first. Sure, this is true, because you are no longer meeting their expectations of what “you” is. But I think once the people who aren’t interested in me (realized I was saying you again) at my soul level fall away, there will be space for people who are interested. Sure, there is a lot of fear to overcome. I told a friend that I wanted to change plans yesterday to do something I really wanted and it took an hour and a half for my heart rate to come back to normal, so there is work to do. I tried to tell another friend how I felt a few days before that and I was sweating for 30 minutes afterwards (I wasn’t successful this time, I was a complete doormat; at least I was successful the second time).

I’m finding little ways to practice allowing whoever my true self is to come in. As I think about it, I can feel energy pushing into my arms, legs, head as if there is a bubble inside my body trying to expand; maybe it is my true self trying to get some space to come forth. A random man messaged me on Instagram and asked me to meet up. I told him I wasn’t interested. As I did, I was afraid of how he would react. A complete stranger, on a virtual communication platform. I was tempted to be a caretaker of his feelings. Imagine what happens with someone I care about and in person?! So, I have to start slow. I think when I know what I want, it will be easier. It is hard to communicate when I’m in such a neutral place that I don’t even know what I want.

I remember back at a Joe Dispenza event last year, we did a particular breathing exercise. I thought, fuck it, I’ll actually try this time instead of being afraid. I did, and after the first breath I realized my consciousness had gone somewhere else only when I returned to feel my body shaking aggressively. I was impressed that I had stayed on my feet. As I walked on the beach after, the feeling I had was invincibility, but then, the thought came: why do I care what people think? The first thought. In that moment, I guess I had enough energy going to my brain to realize what I had been doing to myself. I was at a higher vibration than those thoughts. Now, I can see them, but it feels like a mountain to climb to get above them again. I’ll do it. I know it is possible. I’ve felt it.

I feel good. I now can see that I wrote what I wanted and I didn’t have anything processed prior. Seems like a good way to go into the day today: go for it, and see what happens.