I looked in the mirror. I used to have three gray hairs, all of which I had mindfulness-ed and meditated away inadvertently over the past two years. Now, there were two, and they were new. Two?

I had left my former inspiration for the original three behind. I haven’t been in a constant state of ‘fight flight’, autonomic nervous system ablaze, in several months, if not more. Now, as I admired how shiny my hair looked after the first use of Ayurvedic hair products after some time, I realized who those two hairs belonged to.

They were a tribute to the anger I had unconsciously kept in the airtight emotional chamber, location unknown to date, buried within me. The recent release of said anger had been physically difficult. I had a long period of rest from the disregulated survival state I used to live in. Now, awakened, it was much more painful to return to.

I spent the next 5 days watching the thoughts burn. They cycled, repeated some, and then began to fizzle out. At one point I had been so consumed by them, exhausted, I got out of my truck and suddenly felt pain in my thumb. It took more than a second to realize that I had slammed my thumb in the door. I was in a battle to stay present and was losing at that point.

There had been nothing I could do but wait. I felt the anger flare up and I struggled to stay back, but in order to let it pass out of my body, I had to avoid getting involved. If I participated in the swirling fiery thoughts, becoming them, integrating with their energy and increasing the momentum, they would just build and last longer. More pain. No thank you.

Fortunately, I had examined the source of the problem before I even realized I was angry. The week prior, I had seen that a major source of conflict in my life had been my tendency to freeze in conflict and cater to others to avoid it, which meant that I almost never told someone how I was feeling or what I really wanted. I didn’t know how to find the words and so I was afraid to stand my ground in moments of conflict.

The week prior I had begun my usual routine of changing a behavior. I assessed where the pattern was manifesting in my life. I found the smallest, most benign opportunities where change would be easy. There was no threat to be afraid of.

Next, I decided what I wanted. How would I be if I released the pattern? I summed it up as this: I would be able to say exactly what I needed or wanted in the moment I needed to. I made this into an affirmation or mantra with two sub-affirmations to support the larger one:

-The exact right words come to me in the moment to clearly and confidently express what I want or need. (The issue hadn’t only been in moments of conflict, I found it to be all of the time)

-Everyone understands my exact meaning the first time I say something (I found that it was so rare that anyone even understood what I was trying to express and often caved and allowed them to think what they wanted)

-I am confident and compassionate with myself and others (I needed to feel secure in what I thought and felt to express it clearly and stand by it)

I marched around on my morning walks repeating the phrases out loud and in my head. As I repeated them, I could feel something positive building inside. Now the thought was paired with emotion. It would be easy to manifest.

Of course, I started feeling less and less afraid to say what I felt. In fact, I felt more and more neutral, but at first, for a short moment, I felt justified in doing so. I tested it out in small ways. People didn’t run away. It was working. Then the anger hit.

I kept on with the affirmations, relaxed through the emotions and made sure to take no action. Finally, a moment came to use my new skills.

She asked how I was doing. I finally answered truthfully. I didn’t worry about how it would be taken, what the result would be, etc. I just said how I was doing. I was angry apparently, and I was working through it.

I told her I would talk with her about it when I knew exactly what I was angry about. With emotions churning it seemed like a lot of things, but in the end it boiled down to one particular thing: again, I hadn’t been saying how I felt to protect myself and I thought the relationship.

The simple act of saying how I felt when she asked brought this clarity. I said it without feeling like I needed anything. The buzzing emotions calmed and I could see exactly why I had been so mad.

I again would have to say how I felt. I did say I would explain…it only took a day. I raised my phone to record a message and the whole explanation flowed out on the first try. Magic. Usually I needed 16 tries. I felt the ease of articulation having had clarity before I spoke. It was the first time I had ever had this luxury.

In that moment, it didn’t matter how it was received. I needed to say it and I said it with ease, compassion and clarity.

I walked swiftly then. The sun was rising and it was time to return to the house. I looked out over the corn fields on the road back to Whittemore, Iowa and did a small dance. I whooped, and intentionally generated excitement and admiration for myself. I needed my neurological system to save this act as something safe and, fun even? I did this every time I trained a new behavior and it worked.

The anger was gone. I had said I had let it go and I had really let it go. It was so easy. Well, it wasn’t easy, but it felt much easier than being stuck and holding onto something from the past.

I looked again in the mirror. The hairs were too long. They couldn’t possibly be from just a month ago…maybe they were from the anger, but I just wasn’t conscious of it when the grays were born.