“That’s boring. It’s always the same answer. I learned it when I was a child.”

I sat on the couch next to my friend in the spotlight of the oven light. It stretched across the living room and faded-upon-arrival, leaving a dim streak across her face.

Suddenly, a new dimension of her psyche became clear. She had changed since I saw her last, but I distinctly felt my own position in comparison to her now.

I had transformed past another friend, leaving the static of incoherence and misunderstanding floating in the airspace between us. Maybe our relationship would be more like one of those community goal board games and less like Mario Kart, as we advanced at different paces. Time would tell.

We had met a few years ago and bonded over our child-like playfulness, then over the game of self-awareness and discovery. It was rare to find someone else who looked at themselves, even a little…even at all. The majority still look out…for validation, for meaning, for cause, for comfort.

We found commonality in being unwilling to sink deeper into our childhood perceptions and scars. They were like the thick Alaskan silty mud — people have died just trying to get to the other side. They didn’t know themselves well enough to pass without being swallowed by the sticky mud and tide.

I sat next to her on the couch and asked why she felt like she had to listen to everyone who spoke to her, even if she didn’t want to. As she stopped me, she sagged her head and let it fall sideways and back. She seemed prematurely tired of her own explanation.

“Everything comes from childhood. It’s wired into your neurological system. I don’t see why knowing why I’m doing that could matter. It’s more important to have a choice and to make a different one.”

This wasn’t my friend. She seemed defeated.

Knowing why I was doing something had been a powerful tool in my own quest for change, peace and authenticity. It hadn’t been easy to let go of all of the old behaviors, patterns and characteristics I no longer wanted. I did it though and, ‘Why am I doing what I’m doing?’ became my most frequently asked question…to myself.

My friend didn’t seem to get it. She brushed the idea aside.

She wasn’t wrong: anyone can make a choice to change. However most people don’t have enough space between their impulses or addictions and their action to make a choice at all. There’s no pause, just impulse to action, then regret. If you want to make deep and lasting change, conscious awareness is essential.

Have you noticed how hard it is to quit over-eating? How about to start eating healthy? Or to keep a gym habit? What about quit smoking or drinking?

The reason most people fail after some time or struggle hard with sticking with their choice to change is that they are redirecting the impulse by replacing the way they fill the need — essentially, they are making a different choice, without changing the impulse.

But if you do that, you haven’t addressed the problem at all. You’ve addressed the symptoms.

Habits, vices, self-sacrificing behavior, limiting beliefs, etc. are generated because they are serving you. They are filling a need. It is well-known that most people drink to avoid something, smoke to deal with something, over-eat to calm something.

If you needed a Phillips head to tighten the loose screw to keep your license plate from falling off, would you settle for a flat head because it is similar? Of course not. Your body and mind know what they want. The body is intelligent and won’t settle for your temporary redirection. It still wants the Phillips head.

Breaking a habit or changing your personality takes a bit more depth and analysis. It takes asking yourself what is at the root of your behavior and doing so consistently. You have to ask until you know.

Am I looking for validation? Do I need to feel worthy? Am I anxious and trying to calm myself? Am I jealous or judging? Do I feel guilt or shame? Is it because I don’t like being seen?

Once you find the root, it is simple to unwind the behavior. Simple, but not necessarily easy:

1. Every time you find yourself about to engage in a behavior you don’t like or want, you stop and ask why you’re doing it or seeking it.

2. Get acquainted with how it feels in your body, what your mind is doing and how your emotions are when you’re in “need”. You may feel anxious, tightness in your chest, sweaty, impatient, hot tempered, rushed, etc.

3. Take note of when the feelings you noticed are present in relation to an action. This forces you to pause, making a gap big enough for your nervous system to have a chance to change.

4. Notice other times your need for validation, etc. is driving an action or choice. Every time you feel pulled towards something, stop and wait for the pull slacken. Do not replace it or redirect it!

Over time, the habit won’t exist any longer, because you dealt with the cause of the habit, the feeling that was driving you or whatever it is you ‘need’ instead of consciously trying to choose what you ‘should’ do or want.

That night I let it go, but the seed was planted. Three days later, I asked my friend why she was afraid of accepting praise or compliments while simultaneously seeking validation. She never had any support as one of 8.

The next day I got a phone call from her. Someone had praised her and she accepted it. She felt empowered and excited. She was beginning to change.